Well, it sounds like he either has some serious issues he needs to work through from past relationships that keeps him in this place of immobility relationally, or he's just not that into you. I would see if he would go to couples counseling. If he won't, then he's not willing to work on things despite the red flags.
If he has troubles in bed but can get off to porn, it may indicate he has some emotional injuries related to sex with a partner. Or, he may not be into you.
The answer isn't going to be an easy one. If after 3 years he says he cares about you but won't tell you he loves you and won't commit, he's just keeping you around for his convenience, knowing you won't go anywhere, but allowing him to not actually have to commit.
Word to the wise: Pull the plug. If you want something more, you have to realize he may never be capable or willing to give it to you. It sucks after spending a few years together, trust me, I dated a guy just like this myself once, and it ended with me being nearly emotionally destroyed. I can hear some of the same signs in you. We women have a hard time facing the reality that he may not be into us to the same degree as we are to them, and we use their nice qualities to rationalize their behavior and convince ourselves they will change.
He is not going to change. I know your friends dated someone like him or some talk show probably had a couple similar to you guys on and that guy changed, so there's hope for your guy, right? Wrong. He is not the exception, he's the rule. And if he ever decided to get married, things would only get worse, not better. You need to decide how much longer you are willing to sit around and wait for him not to change before you decide you've had enough. Or are you willing to make a tough decision and recognize you're worth more than what this guy is willing to give you, and move on to someone who will give you the love you need and want?
My Prescription for you: Watch "The Holiday" with Cameron Diaz, Jude Law, and Kate Winslet. Kate Winslet's character hits this on the head exactly. And if you relate as I anticipate you will, hopefully you will develop your gumption and get the heck out of there and get someone worthy of you.
Know your worth.
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