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how can you keep alive a long distance relationship?

Published on April 7, 2010 by atharis

well, i think its best if i tell the whole story.. so, here it is.. half a year ago i met someone. it was the funniest thing, we were both playing the same online game, he attacked me (it was a strategy game, travian, kinda is a war game, but that isnt important) and we started talking. since then i dont think there ever was more than one day in which we wouldnt talk.

i discovered we were a lot alike, we wanted the same things from life, having someone to share it with, having a family with that person. it may be my luck, but all my other relationships were some sort of tragedies, and meeting a man who had the same interests was amazing. of course i fell in love with him, didnt say anything cause i wasnt sure he felt the same, but after a few months of talking both on the internet and on the phone he sent me a message saying he really liked me. this happened about 2 months ago. the only problem we had and still have is that we are not from the same city, well, actually, we`re from opposite sides of the country, and this means 10-12 hrs by train. despite that, we decided it was worth it and considered ourselves to be together if if we never actually met.

there were small fights because of our past, there were little misunderstandings, but we got over them. this convinced me that we really can do this. and by this i mean everything. weve talked about everything.. and i do mean everything. even chose the names of our kids. its kinda funny, but we really want to be together forever.

it does get frustrating when you dont have the person you love next to you. its breaking my heart that i cant be there when hes sad, that all i have to make him feel better are words. its not the waiting that kills, its the fact that you know that something is missing and you can`t do anything about it for now. we both have one more year of college left so there is probably no way we could move in together for at least a year and a half.

now getting to my question (sorry for the long story..) how can one keep the relationship going when its gotten to this point? it almost physically hurts not to have your loved one near you. it may take another month or two before well meet, and i would wait 100 years for him, but im scared as hell not to ruin this before we get the chance to really be together. to be clear, im not considering that once we meet things may not go well, we both know we are meant for each other and we just have to get passed this difficulties. what im saying is that talking on the phone is not enough, does not cover everything in a relationship, and at this point, im afraid. you know how you imagine what your perfect someone would be like... well, this one is exactly that person that i imagined. i always said that i would die happy just to know someone like that exists, but now that ive actually found him... well, i dont want to ever let him go. and this scares me. some days we dont talk much, other days we end up staying the whole night on the phone. but the times when we just sit in silence over the phone are the ones that concern me. its fine by me, i dont mind just listening to him breathing or to some show hes not really watching on tv, but the fact that an hour might pass without us saying anything usually makes us get the wrong idea that one of us is sad or angry or something like that. and this leads to really being upset.. of course we get over it, but if we were next to each other wed never ask the other one "why arent you saying anything? is there anything wrong?". it may sound stupid, but we are usually talking 10 hrs/day and we probably started to feel the pressure to keep talking. dont really know what to do, i dont want to say that we talk less because he would get the wrong idea, well, not that id actually want to limit the time we spend on the phone, it is after all the only way we are communicating lately (except once or twice a week on the internet just to see each other). gosh, it seems that i keep talking.. ill just stop here, and sorry for the long read.

thank you for your patience in reading this any opinion or advice is really welcomed

ANSWERS

LDRs can work out, but only if both people are committed. It takes a lot of patience and an end date to strive toward. I hate to be harshly honest but your letter makes it sound like you are putting your relationship with this guy on too high of a pedestal. The way you describe your relationship sounds unrealistic. Like your head is in the clouds or you're delusional about how you're so "meant to be together." The harsh reality of dating and life is that no one is perfect. No one is absolutely meant to be with you and put on this earth for that purpose. In your lifetime you will date. You'll get along with some people and you won't with others. Sometimes things will work out and sometimes they won't. It isn't the end of the world if it doesn't. You'll deal with it and move on. If you and this guy are as perfect for each other and as committed as you say, you don't have anything to worry about. But I definitely think you should at least meet up in person a few times before jumping the gun and saying 'this is the one, this is it for me forever.' If you both are really as into each other as you say you are, there's no reason you can't take a train and see each other at least 1 time during the entire year. College or not, you do get summer and holiday breaks. And a train ticket is much cheaper than a plane ticket. Visiting each other is not some impossible task. You not only live on the same planet, but in the same country, so figure it out.

It is hard and frustrating, but it can work. Why not try and send him an email in the morning instead of picking up the phone. A change of communication modes might be what is called for here. Also, try sending him letters and a care package, just to change the patterns. Setting a date for the end is also a good idea. And it's okay not to talk. Give yourselves space to do other things besides be on the phone, that way you have something to talk about when you do call.

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