How can we stop the madness?!
My S/O and I have been together for just over a year now, (know each other for close to 5 years) I moved in with him about 8 months ago. Things used to come so easy and natural for us, (although we never talked about anything "serious" or relevant, more less just fun stuff, and the day to day) but for the past 3 or 4 months now we seem to have lost our spark somewhere along the line, we are just at each others throats constantly. I was reading the article "why do we fight all the time?" and it describes us to a T! The smallest thing will set me off, and put me in a sour mood, then he will pick up on it and reciprocate. Or vice versa. It's a vicious circle! HOW can we stop it? Could it just be the death of the "honeymoon period"? We have been struggling with some other issues as well. It's put us in quite the rut. Honestly I just feel like everything we have worked so hard for is just crumbling before my eyes while I sit helpless on the sidelines. He is so difficult to deal with sometimes, but problems aside he is an amazing man, and worth every minute of frustration. I need to get things back under control before we are too broken to fix. Please help!!
Take the first step by deciding that thing are not going to crumble before your eyes and have this exact conversation with your S/O.
My recommendation is to start infusing some positive shared experiences back into the relationships. Once you get this going you are much more likely to want to figure out how to communicate so that you quit fighting and start feeling connected in a meaningful manner for both of you.
You can start turning things around today by choosing to do something fun for the both of you. Take a walk or rekindle some pleasurable activity that you used to do but now the both of you have let the seriousness of life settle in and rob you of this.
While practicing how to have fun again there are some rules:
1 No talking about serious things that bring you down or cause arguments. Even if it is a hot topic that needs to be addressed set aside some "different" time to talk about it.
2 Decide that your going to look for happiness around you. Make a game out of it. Look for people on your walk who are having a good time or being nice to other people. Creating new habits together will last well into the rest of the day or night.
Remember starting to have fun again, can look like a 15 min break in the day or an afternoon. Don't make it too big or a headache for either of you!
Addressing the underlying problem of "HOW" you communicate would be a great way to break the habits that you are forming....
Don't give up, 8 months into this new level of commitment can seem like there is no hope, but there is, I promise.
All the best, Lori
ANSWER THIS QUESTION
The best way to change someone else's behavior is to change your own. If he says something hurtful to you, and you normally fly off the handle, change the way you respond by saying, "Ouch. That comment really hurt." If you have something to settle, tell him to sit down with you and hold his hand. This will make you get your point across in a warmer setting, and should stifle yelling at each other, since yelling would be weird to do while holding hands. Switch up the way you normally deal with things, and maybe you will see a change in him as well.
You two need an emotional connection everday. This means that when you're parting ways to leave for work, make your hug be extra warm and meaningful. Call him during the day and tell him you miss him. If he calls you, answer the phone with, "Hey handsome," or "Hey you gorgeous hunk of man." Write him a short love note and leave it for him to find when he gets home, or put a sexy message on the mirror with lipstick. Do fun things like putting a blanket on the living room floor and have a picnic. Buy some new massage oil. When you're putting effort into the relationship, he should respond in kind. Relationships are like plants. If you don't attend to them regularly, they will die.
ANSWER THIS QUESTION
I would like to challenge you to discover in VERY Clear detail what you Want from this relationship. What does the Ideal Long Term relationship look, Feel and sound like to you?
Remember be Very Specific. If you don't want to feel Madness what do you want to feel instead? How would you know you had that? Why is that important to you?
Step into the Ideal Situation with your Mate...When something gets you "in a sour Mood" disassociate for a moment from the trigger that is causing that reaction. Just as though you could watch the Movie of your Life on a movie screen. Zoom in and look at your face, your voice, your movements. You can stop the Movie, Rewind or Fast Forward as you see fit. Discover how you might respond to him and stressful situations in other ways.
I am sure you have heard the phrase pick your battles, This is very true in any relationship. It takes patience, respect and love for your relationship to Grow.
All the Best,
ANSWER THIS QUESTION