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How can I tell if my boyfriend is grossed out by my body?

Published on May 30, 2012 by heaterville

I have a serious bf of almost 2 yrs.I have no doubt that he loves me. Our sex life has been pretty good, I think we have great chemistry-once we get going.  He thinks its great I have a high sex drive & am adventurous. But sometimes it takes some kink or major groping to get my bf going, or worse yet he turns me down or can't function. A few years ago I lost over 100 lbs, still overweight, excess skin/flab that only plastic surgery will take care of. I am very self conscious, &even though he tries to assure me its 'fine' &he's not bothered by it how can I find out if its really my body that's causing him not to want me? I know I need to work on my body image, but each time he turns me down I can't help but take it personally, &last night it even made me cry & feel extremely bummed out.

ANSWERS

I have worked with eating disorder clients for 35 years and most of them, overweight underweight, or drop dead gorgeous have trouble believing their men find them attractive. The body shame habit lingers long after the weight has been lost or the disordered eating habits changed. When men who tell their women that they love them are reluctant in bed my guess is that it has more to do with his performance anxiety or stresses that make him worried about pleasing a gal with a high sex drive. Try slowing down, telling him what you like about him, and having fun with various pleasuring exercises. The more you focus on him, his pleasure or your own pleasure, the less of your attention is left to focus on your self consciousness. And cherish the love.

Your comment brought tears to my eyes, I still see myself as that 300lb person all the time. His job is stressful, & I understand that completely. Just that when there isn't any stress, no kids around, lots of free time & I feel its the perfect time for us to have a long evening together suddenly he's tired or something. I do focus on him a lot, that's the bulk of our sex life. I know once I can get him going its great. Just don't think he can look at me and actually want to make love to me without me starting something. My theory at the moment is that he doesn't find me attractive, but once I make certain moves that I know turn him on its enough for him to get through it basically. But yet he DOES have sex with me if I start it most of the time at least, and will cuddle, give kisses & stuff...so I get really really confused.

OK, it's clear that you are trying, and you love each other, and the sex is pretty good. But your theory doesn't help you. Instead it traps you in an explanation of the situation that makes it harder to solve. If you think you would be happier if he initiated love making more often, see if you can tell him how much that means to you, that it helps you to feel loved. It is confusing, but jumping to conclusions about how he feels will make it worse. Gotta find a way to talk about it. And if shame or self consciousness makes that difficult, maybe some counseling could help.

Thank you, truly. I did talk to him a bit last night & opened up more than I ever have with anyone, told him about the voice that has been beating me up in my head for 25 yrs. It just got the loudest its been in years. This morning I actually feel very embarassed about all I said, but I think it is time for me to find some kind of counseling or support group so this doesn't ruin this between us. I just want to make him happy no matter what it takes. Again I truly appreciate your help!

When a girlfriend of mine got engaged, her men friends said, "Don't ever say anything bad about your body. We men will never notice unless you point it out."

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