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How can I save my relationship?

Published on February 16, 2014 by yroc.sivad

Me and my girlfriend have been dating for going on four years. About a 1.5 years ago she decided she to stop having sex. since then we have slowly been growing apart. she says I don't treat her the same way. I have told her that I am willing to give her everything she needs but for me to be able to feel happy in our relationship I need love, sex, and friendship. I have tried taking her out, speaking kindly, read relationship books, everything I can think of to reignite the romance. We love each other and she is a good friend but without sex we're falling apart. what should i do?

ANSWERS

It certainly sounds like you really care about her, and have been very generous with her! There is a big mystery here, and that mystery is, "WHY? Why did she stop having sex with you?" As a Your Tango expert http://www.yourtango.com/experts/sheva and coach, the first thing I would do if I were coaching the two of you is to sit down and listen to her (which is what I am recommending you do with or without a coach). Ask her why she is no longer wanting to have sex with you. There could be many reasons. It could be painful for her (40% of women have dysfunctional sex which means it is painful for them. They and their partners need expert support to make it pleasurable rather than painful.) Perhaps it is bringing up memories of past abuse and she needs counseling to work through that. Or perhaps there is something else going on that she is afraid to tell you. The absence of sex doesn't necessarily destroy a relationship, but the absence of intimacy (honesty and vulnerable truth telling about what is really going on) definitely will. Find out what is causing this turn of events in your relationship. You need to know that before anyone can advise you on what to do about it. Wishing the both of you the best! If I can be of further support you can reach me and my team of experts at support@heartmastery.com

I'm so sorry that this is happening. It is not surprising that this change in your relationship is causing distance as differences in one kind of intimacy impacts other areas. The most important thing is to find out why she made this decision. There is really no way to make productive changes without understanding what is really going on. If she refuses to provide that information, she will still be giving you something to think about. Relationships are about two people and shutting you out does not honor that. You then need to decide if you can live with the parameters she is putting on the relationship--both physical and emotional. I wish you luck. Remember, the worst thing isn't ending a relationship, but staying in one that does not honor you and your needs.

do you truly love her? or is it all about sexxx? find out if she still loves you or she found somebody else or it's because of your attitude...you need to be patient and allow the burning desire for each other bring about making love.

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Hi there. Unfortunately you haven't given quite enough information to make a more informed assessment of your situation. However, based on what you have given, it sounds like you're in a similar situation as myself a few years back.

Based on what you've said, you're doing the right things. You've talked openly and honestly, you've stated your needs and you're reading relationship books. However, the hard truth that I learned years ago is that one person inside of a relationship doing all the right things isn't enough to sustain that relationship or fix it if it's broken.

While the lack of sex is a problem, it's most likely not the source of the dysfunction in the relationship. While it could be true that her not having sex with you is the result of some physical or psychological reason, it's most likely not as simplistic as that. When people, especially women, feel a lack of intimacy, or even simply a lack of happiness within a relationship, they tend to pull away. Most likely the relationship began disintegrating before she stopped having sex. It's entirely possible that you are looking at the relationship through rose-colored glasses, while she is looking at in a realistic light. You say you've "grown apart". People grow, as they should, and sometimes in a relationship, they grow in different ways and at different speeds. It's possible that she has begun to figure out that this relationship isn't what's best for her, but because she knows how much you love her, she is staying for your sake. Not saying this is the case, it's just possible.

On the other hand, if it's simply about issues in the relationship, and she isn't getting what she needs from you, these things may be able to be fixed through those relationship books you are reading, counseling, talking openly and honestly. But that's the first step. It sounds like you are talking openly and honestly and she's not. Which again, either sounds like she isn't willing to do so and she's simply staying for your sake, or she doesn't know HOW to communicate. Therefore, you may want to suggest couples counseling. However, LISTEN to what her answer is. If she's not willing to go, it won't do any good to "guilt" her into it. This needs to be about what you BOTH want, not simply what you want. She needs to know she can be honest with you even if it's painful. You can also get counseling on your own, which will help you to continue to make healthy choices as you continue to grow.

The bottom line is that it's time to have a true heart to heart talk. Another good resource is a book called "Getting the Love You Want".

Good luck to you.

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