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How can I make our marriage work?

Published on September 8, 2010 by cj624

My husband & I have been together a little over 3 years. He has been deployed for 18 months of our marriage. Back in April, I kicked him out because we were fighting so much & he refused to go out & get a job & I couldn't afford him, myself, & our daughter on my paycheck. He has been telling me he loves me & wants to be with me but that we are too young. We got married at 19 & had a baby at 20...yes we were very young but very much in love. I know he still loves me & I know I still love him but I recently found out that since I was refusing him sex, he started to sleep with one of my friends. She is like a mini version of me. She acts like me, talks like me, even sort of looks like me. But the one thing she has over me is that she doesn't care if he has a job cuz she gives him money & she is willing to smoke pot with him, which I have refused to do since we have been together. I don't know if there even is a reason to try & save our marriage. he has changed so much in the past 2 months...He hardly visits his daughter & when he does, he smells of pot & i refuse to let him drive her anywhere if he is high...He claims he 'loves' this other girl because she isn't such a high strung bitch but he 'loves' me because I am his wife...he doesn't want to discuss things, just wants to sweep them under the rug. I want this to work out because we do have a child & i do love him & i know he still loves me...I think he is just punishing me for many things that I have made many mistakes in our relationship...& I also did lose a baby & after we found out about that is when he started to be really mean. I just don't know anymore & I need someone else's opinion besides my friends since they are all biased...

ANSWERS

he has a girlfriend and your a strung bitch is a situation that an answer is impossible ok?

so now that you know your done, good luck trying to form a game plan. get a business model together good luck it isn't going to be easy so be prepared.

CJ,

Wow. Tough situation. You didn't say but I'm guessing your hubby is a Reservist or recently separated from the service. I'm a women's health provider with 36 years in the service so I see this situation every day. Here is what my team of professionals suggest in these situations. First and foremost: The health and safety of you and your daughter come first. If there is history of violence or things start turning that way after a service member returns from deployment, have a plan of action in place. Put a second set of car keys in a close but trusted place outside the home, keep yours and your daughters Social Security cards, shot records, military ID cards, a copy of your husband's DD-214 (this is critical to prove your daughter's right to benefits) in a safe place outside the home. Keep clothing and essentials off-site. Contact the JAG office at the nearest base to see if you can discuss your legal rights so you are clear what you are entitled to. DO NOT HAVE SEX, DO NOT GET PREGNANT, and DO NOT GIVE IN. He already proved to you that he is a jerk. The drugs are toxic. you cannot help him. He must help himself. If violence is not an issue, change the locks if you haven't already. My personal advice is after you get the necessary documents together, open your own checking at a different bank or open a joint account with your Mom or another trusted family member, take the funds from your old account and close it. Cancel joint credit cards so he can't run up the balance and leave you hanging and to RUN, not walk, to the nearest Jag officer or legal aid and file for divorce. Be sure and document the times he has come in after doing drugs and anything else you can think of in support of sole legal and physical custody. Fight for only supervised visitation if any at all. This will be his one and only wake up call. Remember, personal safety is key. You may also have to plan exit strategy to another state or to a safe house. There are support groups available through the unit your ex was assigned to. Contact the unit commander's office for assistance. This is a tough situation but you must not get sucked in to his fantasy world. The courts will direct him to recovery options... Good Luck and God Bless

Oh been there done that for almost 15 years the whole pot thing and all (not me but my ex.) And let me tell you nothing will ever change. Everytime I kicked him out he ended up with a girl the next day who smoked pot too and I would fell bad because of the kids and try to work it out. The problem is that eventually I realized I should love me and my kids enough to know I don't need to be treated like that and allow him to be non-productive in my household. Stop wastin gyour time and move on. I wish I can have all those years back because even now trying to work things out has showed me he is not a better father now then he was 5 even 10 years ago so what was the point? Move on with your life and find someone better that you have shared interests with.

I left my marriage, because of this reason. I got tired of working 50hrs a week just to have my ex-wife sit at home, and do nothing but talk to her friends online all day. We do have a daughter together who I haven't seen since the day that I left. She eventually found a part time job, but that wasn't cutting it, she would call off for non-legitimate reasons, and I couldn't take it no more. I'm not saying all women are money hungry, but she was, and not having a lot of money sucked, because I got tired of paying her, and her parents way most of the time.

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