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How can I get him to consider my feelings?

Published on February 6, 2012 by galaxiegirl86

I love my boyfriend, and we have been together for two years. I know he loves me, and sometimes, he can be sweet and wonderful. Other times, he can just be... a jerk. He doesn't have a lot of friends, but those that he does have are part of a recreational kickball league (guys and girls- I know, I know...kickball). Anyway, he never asks me to hang out with them. When I bring it up, he says it is because he likes having his own thing, and he is happy with me, happy with his friends and doesn't want one thing to "ruin" the other. To me, this sounds like crap. I agree that we should have our own lives, but if we are a couple, shouldn't we try to include one another in our social lives? He has been away for his job for five months, and we have seen each other once a month (holidays with our families and weekend getaways together). He is coming to visit in a couple weeks and is planning to spend the bulk of his time with his friends. He is going to come in on Saturday morning, spend Saturday with me, Saturday night with his buddies (and spend the night at a friend's house), go to kickball on Sunday (which will last all day) and spend the night at my place on Sunday night (supposedly). I think it sucks, and I have mentioned that. I don't know what to do. I love him, but I hate feeling like he doesn't want to spend time with me. Thoughts?


Hi galaxiegirl86.

He is telling you where he puts you in his mind, heart, and life. He may be taking you for granted, or he may just know you are the kind who will tolerate him taking care of himself and his needs/wants first, or at your expense. Stay with this one and you will always come last.

Also seems like he is keeping you on the sidelines because you let him. If you want something serious with this guy, you have to show him how to treat you, by that I mean, not allowing him to come and go according to his own schedule and timing and fitting you in around everything else, if that bothers you. Calmly and confidently express that this doesn't work for you and make a suggestion that will work. If he doesn't rise to, then make yourself unavailable. He may come around, or he may not. If he doesn't, move on to someone who will because that confirms he isn't as invested in you as you want him to be, or he doesn't want more/doesn't want you to expect more from him.

When he shows you who he is and it doesn't feel right, he is probably the wrong guy for you to get serious with (even if he is as cute as a button). Keep me posted on what happens & good luck, I hope he steps up for you.

Tell him that you're busy with your friends (or something else that you love to do), when he wants to visit you. You have the right to schedule your time the way you want too. You don't need to be available for him every time he's asking for. Try it, and see what's happening. You need to brake somehow the habits: being available for him all the time, and complaining about the time he spends with his friends. Be ready for whatever could happen: him wanting to spend more time with you, loosing him (if he's not ready for what you want) or.. something else. Complaining doesn't help in any relationship. It's ok to set your own boundaries as well, not only accept his.

Teagan and Gabriella are spot on Tiffany.

This guy will continue treating you as runner up to everything and everyone else in his life simply because you have always let him. I know, because I've done it too. A couple boyfriends ago, the guy I was with at the time was adament about us not integrating our social lives as well, he'd always talk about friends he had, and ditch me quite often to be with them far more than me. Turned out it was because 9 times out of 10, he was meeting and hooking up with other women behind my back.

Now I'm not trying to scare you and say that is what yours is doing, but don't rule out the possibility. He may even have something going on with a friend that he's leaving you in the dark about because hey, he's benefiting from having her there, and you back home. If him and his behavior makes you miserable more than you'd like to be and you just can't shake the disliking of him being so unavailable, then it's time to join his lead. Don't allow yourself to be available for him. Lead your own life, do your own thing. If he's serious about you, he will catch on to your changing and see the error of his ways and do what's necessary to keep you. If he ends up vanishing into thin air, you're better off and just saved yourself anymore future heartache and agony.

Stick up for yourself and expect nothing less than the life you want and know you deserve! Good luck :]

A man will produce to your level of expectation. You are tolerating being treated like this. It is up to you to set the standards for him to be in your life. Set your expectations and if he doesn't choose to meet them, he doesn't deserve to have you.Don't be afraid of losing him. There are millions of wonderful men out in the world who will produce results for you in ways you cannot imagine. You can decide what values and traits are important to you and find a man who will cherish you, if you want it bad enough. Teagan, Gabriella and Sabrina are all correct. Raise your standards.