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how can i be more understanding of who he is?

Published on August 22, 2009 by amanda garrison

he gets excited and irritated very easy and we both get defensive and it escalates into a fight. i dont want to loose our relationship. how do i listen and understand him better? communicate and express how i feel without fighting?


I'll give you some advice however one thing that does need to be stressed is that HE has to be willing to deal with how he handles things within himself. You can do some things to help ease things in a normal communication situation between two people however if he is the type that has deep inner emotional issues to deal with then it may not help because he will always find some reason to get angry. As sad as that sounds, there are people who are just angry people and you could be the perfect wife but they will still get angry.

With that said, here is what I suggest as far as things you can do.

Keep your voice down at all times. When people begin to get upset, the first thing we tend to do as humans is raise our voice to be heard and gain control of the other person so WE have the last word and control. As hard as it is, if he begins to get loud or angry, force yourself to talk at a calm and normal speaking level. This will result in him having to lower his voice and calm himself down enough to hear you. This results in YOU being the one who actually takes control and normal. If he continues to yell, it sort of makes him feel strange and begin to think 'well what is my problem'

See what I'm saying?

Second, make sure you keep your gestures in a relaxed stance at all times. Don't cross your arms, put your hands on your hips, purse your lips tight ect. In other words don't do gestures that challenge him in a fight.

Sit down; keep your hands, arms, face, overall body relaxed and calm. Speak calm and simply tell him that you both need to talk and tell him you want to listen to what is bothering him but you need to both change how you handle things and talk about it and not yell.

Hope this helps but I think if you both make the effort, things can get better unless he has some deep rooted emotional issues like I said at the start of this. If he does, then he needs to go to counseling because otherwise he will always be angry.

Counseling helps! It's a place where you both get wonderful communicating advice and practice. Sure, getting advice on how to solve your problem is great and all, but it's even better if your both sitting down in front of someone who helps others for a living and can offer the advice/help you need. An outside person, not family or friends, is the way to go! Good luck, you'll get there! I'm rooting for ya!

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