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How to attract a guy again after you scare him with committment?

Published on February 18, 2010 by glamourgal

Ok so, after just one month of dating I ask the stupid question about how he feels. My feelings are strong for him so I tell him. Then he get's scared and feels trapped and says he is only looking for friendship until he gets to know me better but likes me. He continues to talk to me but notice he has backed off. Afraid he will just move on to someone else. What can I do to win him back and have communication go back to normal again? What can I do to prove to him that I can take things slow? Should I initiate any conversations or should I just let him initiate?

ANSWERS

Here is the thing about men, if we want to take things "slow" it's because we're not sure you really meet all of our "criteria". See, women, you have a tendency to following feelings. How you "feel" when you're around a guy, how he makes you feel when he does or says something special, and what sort of feelings you have when your with him rather than when you're not with him. Men are more rational. For example, I have a friend of mine who is the typical good looking American man. He is in his early 30's, he is an ex football player, has a strong career, a strong jaw line, and a powerful presence. He is like captain America. Now, this guy, he is super rational about women. he has broken things off with women because, and I quote, "she's too thin, our son could never play football" or, "she's too big, our kids would never be athletic". He has a vision for his life and his life ambitions and woman has to fit that criteria. See, men are about as faithful as their options, and he knows that if your not his best option, then getting serious with you will likely lead to either a break up or infidelity, because he won't be as committed as you. In some ways, guys are pigs, but in other way's, it's us being honest and fair.........seriously.

So, for a guy, even we will come on strong if we meet someone who fits our "criteria", however, we know we stand about a 1 in 300,000 chance of finding the woman we have spent our adolescence creating in our minds. Hence, we date, we feel things out, we "take things slow". We can find a "9", and not let ourselves fall in love for the smallest of chances we could find a "10" somewhere down the road. For the record, no I do not actually rank women, but I needed an example to help you into the male psyche.

So here is the deal, you've only dated a month before you initiated the "feelings" talk. So, if you start trying to get him back to aggressively, that will only add to the problem. He will perceive you as coming too fast and too strong again. What you need to do, and this sounds horrible, is not only agree to the space but be an advocate for it, and one of these times when he asks you to do something, tell him you already have plans. It will peak his curiosity and cause him to think. If he starts to ask with who, and what you're doing, give vague answers such as, "just going out for dinner a drinks with a couple old friends". You have to understand something, men are just like women in one respect, we both will get away with as much as we can, and with the more resistance that is created, the more we will test the waters.

Don't just agree to the "space", be an advocate for it. Don't jump on board everytime he wants to do something, and subtly remind him that you have another life, other friends, and that you're single. Relationships only have two speeds; committed and non existent. Everything else is an excuse, so while I would usually be adamantly against playing games, you're situation and the guy your seeing sort of call for it. Men sometimes have to be shocked into decisions, and women have to sometimes be holding the wire.

I think what you have to do is just play it cool. Don't freak out and take back what you said, but don't bring it up again either. When you do hang out with him have a good time. Show him that you are easy to hang out with and a good friend and companion. I'd give it another two months and after that if he still isn't sure, he probably won't ever be. And then you can move on and date someone who is a little less flaky.

It strikes me as odd that he'd want to just be friends if you've actually been dating for a whole month. Regardless, the best thing for you to do to show you can handle taking it slow is to take it slow. Don't think about it so much. Just chill out and give him his space. You might have scared him off, but if that's the case it means that he wasn't feeling what you were and is probably scared of hurting you. It could be a good thing that he backed away when he did. If you think you come off too strong, next time just hold off on letting someone know how you feel until you're sure they're comfortable enough with you that they won't be scared of it.

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