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HELP PLEASE: Should I give our friendship a third chance?

Published on November 29, 2012 by iluvzit

A guy that I'm best friends and dated has hurt me more than once. I forgave him the first time but I don't want to get hurt again. The first time he cut off communication with me and became a complete jerk because we were going off to college and he was afraid of missing me too much. The second time he told me that he didn't have time for me because he's taking 20 hours in school with a job. I knew that was bull crap. He also told me that he'd always be here for me but I just had a death in my family and he wasn't by my side, He knew that I was going through a hard time too and didn't bother comforting me. I'm really hurt and I've lost trust. He says that he has his own problems and has it worse than me but that's no excuse. What should I do? He's apologized, said that he loves me and I'm one of the best things that's ever happened to him but his actions say otherwise. I think I'm in love with him and he's admitted to all of his wrongs but I don't know if I can remain his friend any longer.

This is part of some of our last conversations:

Him: Just letting u know that I havent forgotten about u and I think about u every day. I miss u. But no, Im not ashamed of u or anything like that, I have no reason to be. Im really just maturing and trying to do whats best for me and my education. If u were up here it'd be too distracting (there's already enough of that) and I wouldnt get anything done. Not to mention it would cause a lot of tension with some of our girl friends that are always in here due to some of them liking me. Its for the best, trust me I know what Im doing. Ur probably mad at me and I can understand why u would be but just know that I love u. _______________________
Me: ******, first off I'd hate to distract you & I want what's best for you too but yea, I am mad at you because you also really hurt me. I didn't understand why you were ignoring me & I told you that I was going through things then you told me that you didn't have time because of work+school, well my thoughts were that's bs because you have lunch breaks, study time, hw, etc and I was like if you wanted to make time then you would. That led to negative thoughts like he said he'd always be here for me but this is the first time that he hasn't been by my side, maybe he doesn't care or love me as much as I thought & the apartment thing still kinda puzzles me because tension between myself+females over guys is nothing new to me so I could care less, not my problem/fault but it's your place so I'm gonna take your word on that one. However, I wish you would've just cleared the air sooner because I'm still blowing off steam, just didn't wanna leave you hanging. ____________
Him: Im fine with u *******. I just wish u would stop with the conspiracy thinking. Like I dont want to see u or Im ashamed of u. I understand some of the things I say or do are weird and iffy but I promise you its not because of the reasons u think. I have a very complicated life and I admit that Ive been selfish, but only because I have to. Im trying to get myself together, focus on my life to better it. Sorry but Im just doing what I have to do, trust me. Though I will also admit that I could be txting u more. Honestly I AM really busy but thats no excise to not txt someone. To be honest I just wanted to avoid drama, which is why I didnt txt back. I apologize for that. ______________________
Me: I'm human, if I'm unsure & not getting feedback then I will make assumptions because actions often speak louder than words. & I understand you trying to avoid further problems but why just leave them there when you can try to fix it?? That had made me a lil more mad & I don't like being mad at you, well being mad period & I'm pretty sure that you didn't hurt me intentionally but it. still would've been nice to have your support. I'm not really mad anymore though.
Him:I understand completely, and Im sorry for all that. Really.
Me: (referring to him) Okay, so a long time ago a friend of mine & I were gonna have to go our separate ways because of college. He decided to start treating me like crap, being mean, he hurt me to the point that I actually cried in an attempt to push me away which I didn't find out until later. We stopped talking for a while after an argument, forgot why, but anyways I had to text him first to find out. Like, if I didn't text him that day and find out why..I wonder if our friendship had lasted as long as it has. He did it because he didn't wanna become attached anymore than he already was...not even thinking about my feelings apparently. :( I remained hurt but I forgave him anyway because I loved him, had deep feelings, thought he'd change & still wanted him in my life. Now, like last month I told him how I was feeling in this long ass message & he just ignored me like wtf. Another sad thing is I had to send him 2 more messages to even get a F-ing response. Then he told me that he's working & taking 20hrs..yadda yadda that's great but don't cut me off & use that as an excuse because I knew that he had time, he's just making for what he REALLY wants & no prob with that but I just wanted some attention because..I was confused. Also, like I told him that I wasn't happy with my life & he just dusted it off, even though he said that he'd always be here for me & his job as a friend was to keep me happy, whatever happened to that guy? Anyways..I love him SO MUCH & we've been through SO MUCH. My feelings for him have changed, I don't look at him the same way, he's not a good friend, well not a good friend to me anyway. He really hurt me and after that last incident I've been drained..idk what to do with him. He's hurt me more than once so now I expect him to hurt me again. I used to believe that he was "different" but he's shown me otherwise. Like, say we were in a relationship...we'd be over because I'm in too much pain. & just like him, all of my ex's have hurt me at some point. When my feelings were deep for him I actually had hopes of us possibly pursuing a relationship in the future but that hope is gone because he's shown me that we totally would not work. Honestly, I hope he learns from this & treats future females in my position&beyond better than he's treated me especially if she loves, cares, see's him the way that I once did. Idk what I did to deserve this but overall I've been a good friend to him so I've been asking myself why couldn't I have received a good friend in return. Our friendship was quite odd, we were more than friends but not in a relationship, I enjoyed things being that way at the time but I can't allow myself to go on with it, I don't really wanna become closer to someone who's done what he has. I don't really think I was in love with him but I loved him deeply, being with him made me happy, no other guy in my life outside of my fam came before him, I still love him deeply but it's not the same, I don't really care about being in his presence at this point, & as for the guys, no guy who's treated me like he has deserves to be at the top. Yea, he had apologized but don't expect me to buy it if you're just gonna do it again. Ugh, I have so much anger towards him right now because it's one of those things that keep bothering you & the more you think about it, it doesn't get any better but actually worse the more you think about it, I told him that I forgive him because at the time..idk..I felt like I could but I've been giving it deep thought & I don't forgive him, maybe that will change. I'm still hurting tho & idk if I'll ever look at him the same way..he made things hard for us now...a part of me is saying forget him because I deserve better+already have people that treat me better & another part still wants him in my life. I'm not the one to hold a grudge & give up easily but this is NOT the first time, what's the purpose of keeping at something if you eventually end up with the same negative outcome? I've been hurt more than once & I don't remember ever hurting him. I really love him but a friend should make you feel love+happiness NOT uncertainty+pain. Now I realize that my love/feelings/care for him were on a different level from his towards me & the thing is, he saw that too because he once said that he couldn't believe that someone outside of his family cared so much & I really did. I held it down for him, I believe that I tried much harder to keep us on good terms than he did. The laughs, long conversations, meeting the fam, making chipotle enchiladas, being complete idiots with each other, constantly eating taco bueno&taco bell, golfing, playing video games, playing board games+him creaming me at scrabble, the smiles, hugs, kisses, cuddling, the way that we looked into each others eyes, being comfortable enough to just be ourselves, going to the park, giving each other apart of one another, movie nights, having him as my baby, him having my back for the times when he was actually by my side+gave me a shoulder to cry on & so much more, just all of the good times, I will definitely miss it all, now that they're basically just memories. Deep down I have hope that he'll actually change but then I'm scared that I could be wrong. However, I just don't know about him anymore...still wish him the best though.
You didnt do anything *******, so dont feel that way. Saying sorry really isnt enough so Im just not even going to do it. But I do realize Ive been a terrible friend. You're right, I have changed. But not because I stopped caring for u, I still do, and I know that may be hard to believe, but its just that traumatic things have happened to me, and tragic events can change a person. To be honest, Ive had it worse than u. Thats not to say ur ******'s death was nothing and ur parent's situation isn't terrible, but Ive had a lot more traumatic things happen, things that have changed the way I interact with others. My life is crazy right now, and I simply dont want you caught up in my problems. You're one of the best things to ever happen to me but u deserve better. I cant give you the time and attention you require. No, I cant explain my situation because honestly its beyond anyone else's comprehension. I know Ive done things thst have hurt you, bad, but know that they were always done With the best intentions. Im sorry things ended up this and maybe our relationship isnt repairable. But I do miss it though and enjoyed every minute of it. I just dont know what to do or say anymore.....Im lost. _____________________
Sorry to hear about your life/situation but as a friend especially as close as we were, I felt like your problems are mine too because knowing that you're hurt, hurts me too. I also have had crazy things occur & further problems that I really don't speak about as well. As for us idk neither, maybe we just need a break from each other. ________________________
Thats exactly the thing though, with all the problems you had I didnt want to tell u about mine. Why make ur life any harder? But yea.....I just think we need to cool down a bit and take a breather


Should I give him a third chance and remain friends?


Hi there

Sounds like a difficult time for you.

All you can do is ask yourself why would you take him back and is it right for you?

I go further into this on my book "Goodbye Mr Ex" - you can download your free chapters here which should really help you.

Let me know how you get on.