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Help with the girl who means so much!

Published on May 7, 2012 by signalsoldier551

Hey All,

So to put it bluntly, I am totally in love with this girl who's one of my best friends. I've known her for a few years now and over that time we've gotten quite close. Earlier this year I shipped out to basic combat training for the Army Reserve and the months before I left we spent allot of time together. Throughtout all of BCT she wrote me more than anyone else except my family. Now I'm in school for my military occupation specialtiy and we still talk often and text back and fourth throughout the week. Now here's where the problem is, she has a boyfriend and they've been together for almost as long as I've known her. What's funny though is even his own friends don't really know why she sticks it out with him becasue he treats her so poorly. Anyway, over Christmas we talked a little about all this and she told me that we would probably be dating if it they weren't still together, but that she didn't want to leave him. As tough as that was to hear it still felt great in a way because until that point I never knew she ever considered me possibly as more than a friend, especially since I never really layed on how I felt about her. So fast forward to now and things are about the same, we still talk and text and they're still together (ugh) and everything, only this memorial day I'll be home for the long weekend, We'll be sure to spend allot of that time togethe and I am seriosuly considering telling her how I am in love with her. I'll be home for good in July and that would probably be better but it's just been so damn hard dealing with the way I feel for so long that I'm emotionally exhausted over the whole thing. I'm just hoping for some advice over what I should do and how I should handle things. I wonder if I layed it all out given the downsloping state of their relationship if she'd give me the shot I want to treat her the way she deserves to be treated. What do you think? Thank you in advance.

PS: I just want to add this is the first time I've ever done anything like this. Truth is i'm a relatively normal, well adjusted, pretty sweet guy. This has never happened to me before, but I am just totally enamoured by this wonderful, beautiful girl that has been there for me through so much. So please give me the benefit of the doubt!


She is with a guy that she doesn't want to leave. She is using you as a backup. IF he break ups with her, she has you to fall back on, but he is her first choice. You shouldn't be someone's back up. You deserve to be with someone that wants you as their first choice. I think you should remember that she is just a friend and go find some single girls that are looking for what you are looking for.

I'd say your mostly on target with all that but I can't just pack up and move on with out even putting myself out there. She is one of my closest friends and I've felt this way long enough to at least try before I move on, I mean honestly being who I am and all I've gone though this year I just can't quit that easy. Would you say that's at least understandable?

It is understandable, but you can do it. You don't want to. I am just speaking from experience. In high school, I had a boyfriend that was always busy (he worked on weekends and played sports after school) so I used my best friend guy as my substitute. We talked all the time, hung out and went to movies when my boyfriend wasn't available. I knew how he felt about me because he "put himself out there". I used that to keep him as my backup. Crazy thing is that I had no intention of being with him and I was using my boyfriend as an excuse. She may be different, but it sounds the same to me. Eventually...i'd say about a year and 1/2...I grew up and was honest with him about not wanting to be with him, but i'd hate for you to waste your time. Ultimately, the decision is up to you and if you want to wait on someone that is hung up on their boyfriend, go for it. I just hope that you don't miss out on something better while waiting.

Thanks and I really do appreciate the advice. The thing is as long as I've been on active duty it's not like there's been much out there for me anyway (Turns out the Army is still mostly all dudes!) so it's never really been contrare to my best interest to continue working on this while I've been gone. On another note I actually heard from a good mutual friend a few days ago that he and this girl had a pretty long discussion about her leaving him for me when I return home; something I found sort of surprising. Especially since she called him about it.