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help advice please 'we were moving to fast, we should concentrate on a friendship first'
I am so confused and i just need other peoples advice and opinions based on my situation. i recently was told the "i think we were moving to fast.. we should work on a friendship first" line from the guy i've been talking/dating for the past 5 months.
I am 23 and this man will be 27 in a few months.. we originally met a year ago through friends. we never really talked in the beginning (he's a very shy person until he gets to know you), but was always nice to me. we hung out over the summer a few times with the same friends. but, everything changed when fall semester started. One night we were all hanging out and he told me he liked me and was interested in talking to me. i of course brushed him off thinking it was the alcohol talking and didn't pay no mind to him. but, the following weekend he became more persistent and told me straight up he liked me and wanted to start talking to me.
I was hesitant at first i just got out of a 3 year relationship and wasn't sure if i was ready to start anything new. another issue was before i met him i hooked up with one of his friends a few months back. i figured that would be a deal breaker so i told him that night i slept with his friend in the past and all he said was he didn't care. i also told him that by feeding me these lines that i wasn't going to hook up with him anytime soon and he said he wasn't looking for that type of relationship with me. i believed him and decided to give him a shot.
Right away he started blowing my phone up. always texting me wanting to talk to me. he works two jobs and goes to grad school i knew he was busy, but he always made time for me to hang out, go on dates and everything. in the beginning i only looked at him as a friend, but the more i got to know him and way he was acting towards me i started to really like this guy. about 2 month later - one night we got drunk and went back to his place.. we were about to have sex, but things weren't working out so i was about to leave figuring i didn't need to stay anyways because i wasn't his girlfriend. he immediately started to freak out and looked like he was about to cry and started saying that he was worried that i was talking to other guys and everything (which i honestly wasn't)..
Eventually the fight got worse were he admitted that i was perfect in every way, but i have one main fault and that was sleeping with his friend in the past. the next morning i was upset about that being my only fault, but he told me he will look past it. a month later we got into another fight because he posted a tweet on twitter about taking another girl out on a date.. i felt insecure and snapped at him. he told me it was a joke between him and his friends and that i don't have to worry about this girl at all. he also threw it in my face that we were not in a relationship anyways so i have no right to get mad.
I hate fighting so i immediately apologized to him and figured he was right.. we aren't together so i have no right to say what he can and cannot do, but i explained myself on why i was upset and he said he understood. unfortunetly 2 days later i posted a pic up on instagram of just food that one of my guy friends brought over one night while i studying for finals. we watched a movie and i was quoting some movie quotes from the movie we were watching on twitter. the next morning when i woke up the guy i was talking to blew my phone up freaking out saying that he knew i was talking to other guys that he knew he couldn't trust me because he saw my tweets and instagram photo. let's just say it was a horrible fight with him accusing me of talking to other guys. he kept asking if i had sex with any other guy or cuddled with another guy while we talking and everything. (and honestly no i wasn't to both)
We ended up making up, but because of that fight he told me he was not ready for a relationship anytime soon. he explained to me that he has a lot of trust issues due to his past serious relationship. his ex that he dated for 5 years and was ready to propose to cheated on him for 4 years with other guys and some of his close guy friends. she never told him about it, he found out by looking through her facebook and phone. he explained to me that he thought he was ready to start a new relationship that's why he started talking to me, but now realized he isn't because of his trust issues and he's extremely scared of getting hurt again.
I told him that i liked him and cared for him and that i was willing to wait for him. i don't mind that he has issues based on his past relationship.. i was willing to work on it with him even though i knew i would have to wait. but, everything changed since then... he became extremely distant with me. he unfollowed me on all social networks saying that he didn't want to see what i would post, because sometimes it gave him the wrong idea that i'm talking to someone else. i would text him and he would text me back but it would be very short. i would want to hang out with him but he was always busy.
I'll be honest i started to freak out. i was so used to talking to this guy every day for 3 months and then he suddenly was changing the way he was acting.. i wasn't used to that. i've never had a guy do this to me before. 2 weeks later we got into another fight.. it was my fault i will admit it. i freaked out because of the distance he was putting up between us. he told me he was scared and was distancing himself from me and that he was falling for me and it freaked him out.. we ended up talking in person and he said he didn't know about us anymore and that he would make a better friend than anything. he said he has these trust issues, he has a hard time opening up and when he wants to be left alone i have a hard time dealing with it..
I told him i wasn't going anywhere still and he said alright, but that i needed to realize that he was not stringing me along. he was just not ready for a relationship right now and that he needed to get his head together. but unfortunately everything ended up getting soo much worse. he distanced himself even more from me. we hardly ever saw each other even though we were on winter break and he lives right up the street from me. this whole distance thing lasted for about a month.. i was constantly chasing after him trying to fix things, texting him first and always wanting to see him. i should have probably left him alone, but i didn't want him to think of me as his ex or the other girls he talked to in the past and that just gave up on him because of his issues. i really really tried. i let my guard down a lot since he told me before he was falling for me a few weeks back... so i ended up telling him that i felt the same way.
Eventually we got into another fight.. he told me we wouldn't work out and i needed to understand this and that the whole 'me falling for him' worried him a lot. i asked why and he said "my family is racist (i'm white & he is black), i have slept with one of his good friends in the past, i acted like his girlfriend when we weren't together and i got mad at him for the littlest things" he also said that it bothers him that i would talk about him to other people when in reality i really don't (honestly just 2 other ppl when it comes to him needing advice on what to do) and that i believe what others say to much when it comes to him. i explained to him that my family wasn't racist.. they wouldn't be that fond of the idea of me with a black guy, but if they met him and saw that he was a good guy things would have worked out. i told him that he couldn't hold the fact that i hooked up with one of his friends in the past because in all honesty i didn't even know he existed during this time i met him afterwards. the reason why i acted like his girlfriend was because i honestly don't know how to act with a guy when were just 'talking' for this long of a time.
I was in a serious relationship for 3 years before him and before that i was in others (i haven't really been single in 7 years-was always in relationships) but i would always ask him how i should act towards him and he would say "like how you've been acting" .. i also explained to him the reason why i would always get mad was because i didn't understand why he was distancing himself from me and never wanting to see me when in the beginning he would always want to talk to me and see me. i also told him that i don't talk about him to other people at all except with 2 other people when i need advice and that i don't believe what other people tell me about him because he told me before he would always be straightforward with me. i then got the line, "we were moving to fast in my eyes. i think we should concentrate on a friendship first"
I really don't know what to do now i am honestly afraid to loose this guy.. i'm not blaming him for how everything turned out. when i look back on it, it was both of our faults on how we got to this point. it's been a 2 weeks since he said that to me.. i'm trying to leave him alone. we ended up hooking up one night though. the next day i tried to act like everything was alright, but eventually told him that since were friends now i'm not going to become his **** buddy.. he then became distant from me giving me one word answers over texts and everything. i put myself out there and said i wanted to go back to how we were and take things slow just how he wants to do it, but he never said anything back to me.
we hang out with the same friends so i know i will always be seeing him here and there... he acts like he still cares. he gets jealous when other guys give me attention. when we all were at the bar this one guy came up to me and tried to talk to me, and my exguything? came up behind me and wrapped his arm around me while talking to our friend beside us.. he did this multiple times. the next day i was thinking about how he was acting..so i sucked it up and asked him to give me another shot at us. he said "we are much better as friends" and i asked why - and he said its because "there is no issues"
another incident happened when we all went out again the other night.. he came out and i avoided him all night till he left. i was told by my friends that he was staring at me most of the time or when i was looking in a certain direction he would follow my gaze and see where i was looking... later that night texted him and asked what he was doing wanting to just hang out. he said, "it's funny how you avoid me at the bar, but then get drunk and text me" i immediately told him i wasn't drunk and just figured he didn't want me around him not wanting him to think i was crazy or something.. he then said "you don't have to avoid me and i would think you were crazy if you avoided me all night and then texted me later" ... (cool right? -___-) i decided to put myself out there again and be like i just wanna snuggle with you and he never texted me back.
the following day i asked if he wanted to hang out and he asked me "why what's the occasion?" i told him i didn't think i needed one just wanted to hang out that's all, but he never texted me back so i just let it go.
I really honestly don't know what to do.. so i deleted his number to help me leave him alone.. the semester just started up again so i know i'll be busy. i'm also trying to hang out with my friends more to get my mind off things, trying to get a part time job and i'm starting to work out again. a lot of people tell me to move on to the other guys that want to talk to me, but in all honesty i don't see no connection with any of them since i still have feelings for this other guy. and i'm not about to use some other guy as a rebound just to get over him (because i wouldn't want someone to do that to me)
but, in honesty what would you guys do? would you wait for him ? opinions? advice? .. i really don't even know how to act in this situation with him.. this is the first time for me dealing with this type of situation