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Help!

Published on May 12, 2014 by jlwindham

So my husband and I have been married for 11 years, we have a 10 year old daughter and just had a baby girl in January. It seems like lately he hasn't been as loving as he once was. I feel like he doesn't give me attention I feel like he's not into sex like he was before. We have sex like twice a week but to me he doesn't seem into it. He doesn't touch me anymore at all unless it's to initiate sex. We don't kiss anymore either. I feel like I want more from him as far as affection. Things are different I don't feel like he loves me like he used to. My question is if I talk to him about it and tell him more I feel Like if he will try to give me what I want but to me it will seem fake, like he's doing it just because I asked him to. Should I talk to him about it?

ANSWERS

Dear jlwindham,

We all crave love and affection, but not when it's forced; we want it to be authentic. However, your husband may be going through something internally that's causing him to be in his a head a lot, and he may be completely oblivious to how you're experiencing the relationship and his affection now.

Speaking with him will allow him to come to terms with the fact that whatever is going on with him is affecting you too. Give him the benefit of the doubt. It is a good sign that he's still initiating sex with you. It's even quite possible that maybe he's the one not feeling sexy and loved and that's translating into his stale affection. Maybe he's going through a mid-life crisis. However, it's not fair to speculate what could be going on inside him. The only way to find it is to talk to him. Give him and your marriage the benefit of the doubt.

I wouldn't be so quick to worry that if he addresses his behavior means he's faking it. Sometimes bringing awareness to a situation is all that it takes to get a fresh perspective. And if something is going on, it gives you both a chance to sort it out together.

Don't be so quick to jump to the worst. He may be in need of love himself. Have an open and honest conversation with him, and don't be quick to be defensive or minimize his feelings. Commit yourself to being open and fair to whatever he has to share.

I have raised four children with my husband. There is change and stress after each birth. With you, it is almost like starting over since there is such a large gap in between children. Babies are beautiful, but when they are young they place particular demands on our time, attention and independence. That means we give up doing some things we were able to do together and our attention gets splits between children and partner. Babies require our physical energy and we may feel a little "low" for a while after their birth, especially if they are not sleeping all night. I think you need to be patient with your husband and talk to him about how he is feeling the impact of having another human being under his responsibility.

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