First, DO NOT HAVE KIDS! Children make marriage harder, not easier. Work our your problems before you add someone who will get hurt if you get divorced.
It may be that the pressure to have children is making him less interested in sex. Let him know that you want to take a break from trying to make a baby and go back to having fun.
His relationship with this other woman is very serious for your marriage. It sounds like they have a weird thing going where they don't really work as a couple (since they didn't get married after they broke up his first marriage), but they like having sex and romance. If he wants to stay married to you, he needs to break off all contact with her. Some people can have relationships with an ex and some can't.
Before you talk to him, I suggest you see a counselor. You need to work through some of your feelings and figure out what you want to do. Do you want to give him a chance and try to save your marriage? Or would you rather look for someone more trustworthy? How much do you love him? Do you think your other problems are things the two of you can work out? Are there ways you can change to make things better?
If you want to get him back, you can also talk to the counselor about how to do it. There are lots of different theories out there from get evidence and confront him to try to be nice and suggest a romantic weekend or something.
ANSWER THIS QUESTION
Thank you very much Black Iris for you advice!
I spoke to my mother shortly after I wrote this question (She and my father are marriage counselors for my church) The only reason I did is because I know she can hold off on biased advice and get right to the root of a situation.
She suggested calming myself down and really ask myself the hard questions. Do I want a divorce? Do I love him enough to make it work? Will I truly forgive him or hold this over his head for the rest of our lives?
I finally got myself together and prayed for strength and peace. Once I regained my footing I walked in our bedroom(where he was still sleeping) with the ITOUCH in hand and confronted him in the most loving way I could possibly put forth.
He told me he knew something was wrong because I never came back to bed (I had been up since 11:00pm) I was told that the emails exchanged were not of the nature I had invisioned (of course scepticle I dug a little deeper) He informed me of his past with this woman and that after his divorce to his first wife he just left town. Not speaking with anyone and didnt want to cause more drama. So he felt the need to give her closure.
I told him that the words he chose to use were hurtful to me because he never seems to want to open up with me and then, with a woman he doesnt really talk to and has had intimate relations with, he spills his heart about their past. It was remincing not closure. There is a huge difference.
He got on the defense a couple of times and tried to bring things up from our shaky past as a weapon against me. As if my crime was much more terrible and I shouldn't be hurt by his. When I reminded him, calmly, that he had told me he had forgiven me and was not allowed to used my wrong doings against me just to make himself look better he immediately stepped back. I asked him to think about the bigger picture. What if her husband saw those letters? What if I had written them to someone else? How do you think he or you would react? How many lives would you have ruined for some "closure"?
He broke down and cried and apologized (he never cries or shows his feelings) I told him that I didnt feel comfortable with him talking to her EVER. He agreed and told me he never thought about what he wrote, if he was trying to hide it I wouldn't know all of his passwords to everything.
We addressed many other things going on in our marriage. It was nice having and adult conversation with him again, without fighting or one or the other person getting mad. It was.....normal.
I've....We've decided that we want to make my marriage work and move forward. I cant hold onto the past because that is not fair to the other person. Especially if I say I love them. As long as both of us move forward together I think we have a chance to make it work.
ANSWER THIS QUESTION