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Having a kid

Published on September 7, 2012 by chrissybebe


My question is I'm with my boyfriend now for 9 months. Since we started he told me that eventually he'll marry me and he wants to have a kid or kids with me. We are at the same age, 35 years old. The thing is, If possible I want a kid soon or in a year because of my age but he wants to go with his plan like he wants to get his promotion at work first then get married then have a kid. I feel like I'm running out of time, getting old to have a baby. What should I do to convince him to have a kid now then the rest later? Please help.


Take the time to decide how much of a dealbreaker this is for you. How flexible are you willing to be about your time frame? Women do have healthy pregnancies and babies throughout their 30s but it is understandable that you feel some urgency to get started.

When you talk with your partner about this, really listen and use words like "Please help me understand..." instead of discounting his plan and ideas. Be clear about the reasons why you want to have a baby sooner rather than later. Work together and find a solution you both can be on board with.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

I know some people DO have whirlwind romances, marry in a matter of months (or weeks) and live happily ever-after. However, a couple years is more typical, so to be pushing for marriage after 9 months IS pushing it. Frankly, it sounds like you may be scaring the bejeezuz out of him with the ticking of your biological clock!

If it were me, I'd be wondering if you love me and want to spend the rest of your life with me, or whether you view me as just a handy sperm donor to get the baby you want. You're both 35, so it's almost a certainty that you each know once-loving couples who had kids and the husband dropped entirely off his wife's priority list. She's now supermommy - her life revolves around the kid(s), and he's just a selfish ba$tard if he wants her to occasionally remember that she was his wife and lover before she was a mother. He DOES love his kids, but he certainly feels they've shoved him aside. I HAVE experienced this, and it truly sucks!

Take the time to romance each other and get to know each other before commiting. Give things at least a year and a half, if not two years to decide this is really what both of you want to do. If after that time, there's no progress, cut him lose and find someone else whose desires more closely match yours. If he DOES ask you to marry him, make absolutely clear to him that kids ARE in the plans, and that (given your age) they will be coming along pretty quickly after marriage.

Good luck. I hope this man is a good man - someone whom you love value and who loves you back just as fiercely. Someone who makes you feel that the important thing about having kids is that it's with HIM - not anyone else.

BTW - children is one thing you both MUST absolutely agree upon before marrying! There is NO compromising on this (2 kids versus 3, perhaps, but never on when or if to have kids). Every child deserves to be completely desired by both parents.

I agree with tanstaafl2 in that you two need to be in a relationship at least 2 years before thinking about marriage and kids. As joyous as children can be, they also add a lot of stress to life. If he feels pushed into this before he's ready, he will resent the added stress to his life before he's ready. You should have several years of bonding as a couple before adding a baby to the mix. Babies do not always bring couples closer together. The parent now has to pay more attention to the child than their spouse, and sex lives are a lot more difficult with physical discomfort and exhaustion.

Become a solid couple first. Without that, you may end up a single parent in the future. You can't put the cart before the horse. If having a biological child becomes impossible or difficult, there are other options you can consider like adoption. Good luck.