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Going the distance

Published on August 22, 2013 by blevey884

Hi YourTango,

I desperately need some guidance. I have been on and off with my boyfriend for 5 years now. I just graduated college and am living in nyc with a new job. My boyfriend graduated 2 years prior and has been employed roughly 3 hours away from the city. He has promised to find a job and move to nyc ASAP but its been a few months and I've barely seen any progress (i.e. he's applied to very few places and ones he doesn't expect to hear from). Recently we have been fighting more and more because I am stressed out about our situation and his lack of urgency to find a job STAT. I keep asking him to put in more effort and time into the job search and he just keeps saying he will, the move will happen eventually, don't worry. He also has a very stressful job currently so it's been difficult to spend time job searching after a hectic day. Well, I'm defiantly starting to worry about our future now. I don't want to put my life on hold waiting for him to move but I also love him and want to continue my life with him. I really don't know what to do at this point and I have been very stressed out!

ANSWERS

It can be very painful when a mate doesn't seem to be committed to making the move to be together. One wonders if there are underlying reasons...if this is a sign that something is wrong in the relationship.

You mention you have been on and off for 5 years. Is there a pattern with the reasons you break up? If so, then you need to ask yourself if things are likely to change. If there are multiple reasons, and at least some of them have not been resolved, the same question is applicable.

True communication between the two of you is necessary in order to sort this out. This is true in every relationship. Pick a time when you are face to face and you believe you can discuss the matter without arguing. Tell yourself and him you don't want to argue, you just want to talk about your situation to see if you are thinking along the same lines or not--because it's an important subject for you. Ask for honesty.

If the arguments are starting because your emotions are high and you fear losing him, you need to find a way to calm your emotions while discussing the subject. Tell yourself in advance that starting an argument will only serve to hurt your relationship. It will not lead to a positive outcome. The two of you need to talk calmly.

Give yourself permission to take a break in the discussion if you feel you're going to argue...tell him in advance that you will take a break and continue the discussion later if you feel an argument starting because you know it's not productive.

Prepare yourself in advance to deal with your feelings if his goals are not the same as yours.

If the arguments start because he doesn't want to talk about it, that's a sure sign he's feeling pressured. No one (male or female) is going to make a commitment when they are feeling pressured. It's not your fault if he feels pressured...you need to know.

People stay in relationships for many reasons. You need to know why he is in the relationship with you. If the story does not end with, "Because I'm committed to building a life together with you and I want to live with you forever,"--if that is what you are looking for from him--then it's time to rethink whether you want to move on to find someone you love who returns your love and does want to commit.

Most of us go through this in life. It's not easy to find a match. Know that you will benefit from a lot of growth getting to know yourself better through this, regardless of the outcome. You are young and you have a lot of time to get it right. Think of your life as an adventure and it will become one.

This is a really, really tough situation. I totally feel you! Here's the thing: you just graduated from school and landed your first job (a feat in of itself in this economy) and you're just starting to make your way in the world. You already have so much to be "stressed out" about ... why let this relationship stress you out? I know, breaking off a committed relationship is hard, but since you've been on and off, is this really the kind of relationship you want? You should try taking a break. Don't pressure him to move and focus on yourself. Getting some distance can give you just the perspective you need.

It's really tough having a long distance relationship, especially when you want to be together, but timing is not allowing it to work out.

Everything happens for a reason. When you stop and take a look at what is motivating you to be in this relationship, you will begin to understand your feelings. Then, if you can ask him the same question, you will know more.

Ultimately, it's your life and you are the one who can make yourself happy. You love and care about this person. It is possible that you can have a wonderful relationship together, but it may not look quite like the way you are envisioning it right now.

People are energetically 'wired' differently and have different needs and ways of expressing themselves. It is possible that one of you has a really deep/ core need to be together in a close relationship and the other needs more space and distance. Hence, the foot dragging at getting a job close to you. When you understand your needs and your partner's then you can make decisions for your future.

If you can take some personal time to nurture yourself and go within, you will find the answers that you need.

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