1 0


"Friends with Benefits"

Published on March 25, 2014 by willzkrazy

I'm a 35yo gay male. While I understand the aspect of the booty call or friends with benefits, I find myself getting tangled in the emotional web that can be weaved in these circumstances because I am in touch with my emotions unlike men in general.

I met this guy online and we chatted for a bit and eventually hooked up for sex. I went into this fully aware that it was likely just sex and I wasn't really looking for a relationship either. However, it is over a month later and we have been hooking up a few times a week for movie nights, dinner and/or sex; sex doesn't always take place. I have been struggling to not come on too strong because I do not want to repel him away.

The other day he made the following comment: “I like how your mind works. I’m definitely interested in learning more about you. I feel bad that so far everything has been on my terms for the most part” --- his terms = I was basically letting him denote when he wanted to see me and it was at his place every time; I was ok with this because I did not want to the be needy guy and I didn't want him at my place quite yet. Kinda of the cat'n mouse game.

I replied: “I’m stoked you say that because I have been teetering on how to ask/approach you because I didn't want to put you off in any way… wasn't sure if it was strictly a booty call thing… It’s good to know how far to let one’s mind wander ya know… Nonetheless, I would like to get to know you more and the ability to share with you as well.”

He replied: For sure man. I’m not looking to rush into anything serious but am enjoying building a friendship. Don’t want a booty call kinda deal. That’s just disrespectful at this point. But friends with benefits is totally fine.”

Since that conversation, we have hung out 3 more times. These times have included me staying the night and waking up to him holding me in the morning, going out for dinner with him asking more detailed questions about me, him coming to my place for dinner and me laying in his arms one evening.

I’m so confused. While I translate his actions into affection for me, I can’t help but hearing “Friends with Benefits” in my head and assuming that he does not want more. I feel like I’m that guy that is more into the other, but again, his actions keep me boggled. Why keep coming at me so often if you just want a friendship? Granted, all of that is part of friendship building as well. However, I can feel deep passion in our kisses and the way he caresses me, but is that just his shtick? I keep telling myself to be calm and let things play out naturally, but my emotions are churning and I find myself wanting more. I guess at this point I don’t know if I should approach him again about how I’m feeling and let him know that I would like to change the phrase to Dating rather than a FWB. Is it just too soon or should I end what could possibly turn into the thing that I have been missing in my life? Should I assume that he would have mentioned dating rather than FWB when he did or that maybe he is also unsure of how far to push me? Is it just me overreacting and rushing things on my part or is this another dead-end? For those that are into signs, he is an Aquarius and I’m a Capricorn which adds another twist to the scenario. I’m interested in hearing others opinions/suggestions? Thanks!


Dear Willzkrazy:

First, let me congratulate you on being able hold back a little - you're right, an overwhelm of emotion too soon could mess things up. You're obviously enjoying each others' company and it all sounds mutually delicious.

Frankly, as a person who writes a lot about astrology, you, as a Capricorn tend to lean towards traditional-type relationships when you see a good fit. Aquarians are capable of love, but they think with their minds first, the heart second.

The relationship seems to have a natural progression going on - from booty call to FWB to ... who knows? It's still kind of new and there's probably a lot more to know about your love before you get into a full-fledged relationship, so don't rush it.

However, even though you've been good about holding your feelings in check so far, it's obvious that you've got major feelings. Can you go on much longer taking the risk of being hurt, getting caught up if your Aquarian can't see beyond FWB? Protect that tender heart.

I like that he mentioned how the relationship has been one-side (on his terms) because it shows that he's starting to really care about your feelings and he alludes to the possibility of having it not always be that way. Maybe this is all he can give right now. Maybe he's been burned before and he wasn't really expecting to find love on a booty call. We have to give him the benefit of the doubt as well as some credit for being so open.

I'd give it a little more time because it appears from what you say that it's moving in forward motion towards being something more. But do it only as long as you can afford to. Don't get too invested in someone who may not be capable of giving you what you want. I think that as it progresses though, you'll find the right time to open the conversation and start a dialogue and hopefully a relationship.

Best of luck - let me know what happens.

LJ Innes, a Your Tango Expert