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Feeling stupidly devastated

Published on August 12, 2012 by wanderingstar

For 29 years, I've led an almost monastic life: studying, working, praying. Most of my hobbies (such as learning foreign languages or playing musical instruments) involve staying at home, so even though I have a great group of friends, I don't go out very often. I've had crushes on several guys, but they never liked me. Still, I didn't feel discouraged and kept waiting for "the one". 

I'm doing a psychology degree since a friend of mine was feeling suicidal. Since then, I've been trying to help everyone in need of psychological support. 

There is this guy from another city, whom I've known for 2 years. He used to have negative thoughts about his life and future. I decided I'd go to his city for a short visit this summer. That way, he would be busy showing me around and wouldn't have time for those negative thoughts. Besides, I was going to bring him some presents from my exotic and far-away hometown (I was sure he would like them).

For one week, we had lots of fun. He liked my presents, we visited many interesting places, and more importantly, we spent time together. On the evening before my departure, we went out for a long walk. When we reached my hotel, we hugged so tight (I was sad to have to go). But then, he asked if he could kiss me on the lips. I asked "do you like me?". He said "yes!". So we made out and even ended up having sex. He kept saying "I live you, I love you!". So I guessed he wanted to be my boyfriend from that moment on. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. It was my first time to ever touch a guy... 

When everything was over, he said we are not boyfriend and girlfriend (we are from different ethnic backgrounds). He said his parents wouldn't accept me, and said that our children would be mixed blood. Besides, he said that he's too young to be in a committed relationship. I said I'm not looking for marriage at the moment "For God's sake, I just kissed for the first time in my life! I'm not ready for marriage either". And he insists that he has a lot of trouble going on, that he likes me, but that he doesn't want to have a girlfriend at the moment. He said I'm talented, pretty, nice, and that I deserve someone better than him, he said he doesn't have much to offer me. I said his tenderness is more than enough. 

Oh, I must say he's 23 and just began working. In fact, he has financial problems that make him very insecure. I'm not rich, but having worked since I was 18, I'm pretty okay in the money department and it's something that doesn't make me worried.

He asked me to be friends as usual. When I say I like/love him, he feels really uncomfortable (???). He said I have to meet more men and have many boyfriends in my life. I'm strict in this sense. I gave my virginity to someone I care for, and I'm going to fight to be by his side. If he doesn't accept me, I'll remain alone for the rest of my life. After what has happened, I don't feel attracted to other guys at all.

Any suggestions? When I act as a friend like before he feels more confident... :( 

But at the same time I feel used and wish I could die right now. 


We all make mistakes. Give yourself a break. Sometimes a person gets caught up in the moment, and our heart decides and leaves the brain by the wayside. He is not a friend. He took advantage of you. If he was an honest person and cared about your feelings, he would've asked you for sex, but told you all the other things about not wanting a relationship and his parents unacceptance, etc.

The jerk is not worthy of your time and friendship. Do not pressure him to be your bf. If you have to pressure someone to try to love you, it'll never work. He told you he doesn't want to be with you. Take what he says at face value.

It's okay to make mistakes as long as you learn from them. Don't have sex with a man until he makes the appropriate efforts with you consistently over a period of several months. Still, it will take a good year or two to see if the man is good lifetime partner material. Don't cling onto a man just because you've had sex with him, when you find out he is not a good partner. Just like a job interview, you have to keep interviewing candidates to pick the right one for the job, and if they don't meet your expectations, they need to be fired, and you keep on looking.

Sure, you don't feel like dating others now, but time will heal. Read some articles on dating and relationships, or get some books from the library so you're better prepared next time. Good luck.

You are a wonderful woman and you gave this jerk a gift he will never appreciate. I would not call him my friend because he used you. There will be many wonderful, kind, gentle, loving men in your future! Learn to seperate the wheat from the chaff, its not hard to do. If they are willing to wait till you are ready for sexual relations then they might be worth it. Alot of wonen have made mistakes in who we gave our virginity too, use this lesson as one to grow from and become the strong beautiful woman you will be.