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Feeling stupidly devastated
For 29 years, I've led an almost monastic life: studying, working, praying. Most of my hobbies (such as learning foreign languages or playing musical instruments) involve staying at home, so even though I have a great group of friends, I don't go out very often. I've had crushes on several guys, but they never liked me. Still, I didn't feel discouraged and kept waiting for "the one".
I'm doing a psychology degree since a friend of mine was feeling suicidal. Since then, I've been trying to help everyone in need of psychological support.
There is this guy from another city, whom I've known for 2 years. He used to have negative thoughts about his life and future. I decided I'd go to his city for a short visit this summer. That way, he would be busy showing me around and wouldn't have time for those negative thoughts. Besides, I was going to bring him some presents from my exotic and far-away hometown (I was sure he would like them).
For one week, we had lots of fun. He liked my presents, we visited many interesting places, and more importantly, we spent time together. On the evening before my departure, we went out for a long walk. When we reached my hotel, we hugged so tight (I was sad to have to go). But then, he asked if he could kiss me on the lips. I asked "do you like me?". He said "yes!". So we made out and even ended up having sex. He kept saying "I live you, I love you!". So I guessed he wanted to be my boyfriend from that moment on. I don't know what I was thinking at the time. It was my first time to ever touch a guy...
When everything was over, he said we are not boyfriend and girlfriend (we are from different ethnic backgrounds). He said his parents wouldn't accept me, and said that our children would be mixed blood. Besides, he said that he's too young to be in a committed relationship. I said I'm not looking for marriage at the moment "For God's sake, I just kissed for the first time in my life! I'm not ready for marriage either". And he insists that he has a lot of trouble going on, that he likes me, but that he doesn't want to have a girlfriend at the moment. He said I'm talented, pretty, nice, and that I deserve someone better than him, he said he doesn't have much to offer me. I said his tenderness is more than enough.
Oh, I must say he's 23 and just began working. In fact, he has financial problems that make him very insecure. I'm not rich, but having worked since I was 18, I'm pretty okay in the money department and it's something that doesn't make me worried.
He asked me to be friends as usual. When I say I like/love him, he feels really uncomfortable (???). He said I have to meet more men and have many boyfriends in my life. I'm strict in this sense. I gave my virginity to someone I care for, and I'm going to fight to be by his side. If he doesn't accept me, I'll remain alone for the rest of my life. After what has happened, I don't feel attracted to other guys at all.
Any suggestions? When I act as a friend like before he feels more confident... :(
But at the same time I feel used and wish I could die right now.