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Family loyalties or signifigant other?

Published on May 9, 2010 by christopher stephen arnold

I'm in a bit of a pickle, I'm at that stage in my life where I'm responsible for my elders (in this case, my dad) I've been on and off with a great girl for several years, she is moving away, asked me to go with her, before I had to take care of family issues. If I abandon my dad I'll never forgive myself and possibly resent her for it. If I let her go, its a pretty fair chance we'll both grow apart and find someone else, and I would hate for that to happen.


This is a hard one. Are you an only child? Is there any other sibling who you could ask to help out? While you dad is a huge part of your life now, where will you be when your dad passes? You need to create a life for yourself too. I don't believe any choice is one or the other. I think the question is not "which one do I choose" but rather, "how can I make this work?" I think rephrasing the question can help you come up with other options and scenarios. For example, what about moving your dad with you? Is your dad able to talk with you about this issue and help you make a decision? Ask extended family members for help. Even if it seems like they won't help, most people are just waiting to be asked. Reach out. This doesn't have to be one or the other.

xplain to her ur situation if she feels 4 u the same way u feel 4 her.she will wait 4 u..god forbid anything happens to ur dad or if ur not there 2 say good will really screw u up..u will never have ur dad again...if she doesn't want to wait 4 u, it was never meant to be

I think you could do several things: if no one else can/will care for your dad, move him with you to the new location. Are you marrying this woman? Is she moving for a career change? Hopefully she is not trying to get you away from your dad..... When my dad was alive, my sisters and I took care of him on the weekends and had someone stay with him during the daytime/evening. It's not easy, but it was worth it. My dad had Parkinson's disease and would have died much sooner if we had put him in a home.... If your dad is able to live in assisted living, that can be a nice alternative because he would be with other people his own age and have activities he could choose to participate in. If he needs nursing care, you could move him with you and either hire someone to come in and take care of him or find a nice center to help out. Many cities have day care for elders. I would have never abandoned my dad for anyone else, but there can be a compromise if you have help from others. There are lots of social service agencies that can help out as well. If money is an issue, there are nursing centers who accept Social Security patients. You just need to make more decisions than just this move - think about it and ask your dad and your lady friend how they would like to resolve this to accommodate everyone. Good luck!!!

If I were in that situation I would explain to the person that my parent(s) need me and ask if it was possible for her to stay as you love the connection and think there is a good future in the relationship. If she can't stay I wouldn't ask again and would let her go.

Question: at present, does she help you take care of your dad and/or do little stuff or whatever she can to assist you in this?

For me, you can't go wrong giving back to your elders so stay with your parents. So if you have to let her go do it because right now you may think she's the one/your soulmate, but she may not be, especially as you all have been on again off again for years. The one may be around the corner and will even assist you in taking care of your parent(s).

All the best to you. Let us know how it turns out.

Good point thebearwoman20, i.e. " You just need to make more decisions than just this move - think about it and ask your dad and your lady friend how they would like to resolve this to accommodate everyone. Good luck!!!"