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The ex wife/ husband getting in the way?

Published on May 20, 2009 by angeldevine83

Why is it that everytime we plan something the ex wife has to call and make up some excuse for your man to come help with the kids or do whatever? Does this iritate you? Should you comfront the ex about this and tell her/ him to back off? I can understand if there are kids involved or if there is an emergency but to call for reasons just to fix a computer or a flat tire is not reason enough for me. I know this can be a tricky subject for many of men or women who are in a relationship were the spouse has been married before. Any advice or support here?

ANSWERS

This is between you and your BF, not you and his ex wife. I suggest you let him know how you feel pushed aside. Don't do it in a way that insults him or his ex, just say that you love spending time with him but you feel like he has been canceling on you to help with odd jobs around his ex's house. Odds are he doesn't realize it. Then, ask him to propose some solutions, put the ball in his court. How can you both fix this together? Give him some time to think.

He may be in husband-mode still. Or it maybe he's not completely over his ex wife. But it does little good to speculate on his reasons. He either will want to make it work with you or he won't. I hope he does want to make it work.

How long have you two been seeing each other? Write back and let us know.

Lyz is right. Confronting his ex won't do any good for this. Talking with your BF (hubby?) is best for this. He can help out the ex, if he feels so inclined, but shouldn't be doing so at the expense of plans you've made with him. To that end he should be able to tell the ex wife, "Sure, I can fix your computer, but not tonight. How's a couple days from now for you when I'm free?" Give your SO some options when you bring this up to him. It doesn't sound so much like you're against him and his ex-wife still being friends (which is a good thing), just that she seems to be putting some sort of "power-play" on things.

I think the ex-wife should definitely be able to call up and ask him to help with the kids. He's their dad. If they were still married, he would hopefully be taking care of them half the time. Seeing them regularly is good for him and for them. Unless he has custody and she is only taking care of them on the weekends, she probably is doing more and needs his help. If it bothers him, he could ask her to set up more of a schedule where he takes care of the kids. But it's really nice if he's available when needed. He's the dad.

Fixing the computer or a flat tire is a trickier thing. Your boyfriend's ex-wife may not have another friend to turn to. It's good if he is willing to help her, but she may need to move on and figure out new strategies. Perhaps he could buy her a AAA membership or offer to pay for someone to fix her computer.

I think you have to be careful here. It's fair to ask him to save some time for you, but he may want to help his ex-wife and his kids. You don't want to come across as being mean or self-centered. It sounds a little like in-law issues; you don't want to make him feel caught he's in the middle.

Anytime you date someone with kids and an ex wife, you're part of a threesome -- permanently. The ex will always be there, lurking, the silent (or sometimes not so silent) partner. Don't be controlling, or overly demanding. Release the temptation to interfere with this or any other friendship or relationship in his life. His kids will always be his #1 prioirity, and you'll need to accept that if you're with part time Dad. Be confident and secure that he's in love with you now -- the more you let go, the more he'll appreciate you.

I was just out of a situation like this. He has 3 grown kids the youngest is 25. They would always call and talk on their cells behind my back and at times in front of me. She has a livein for 5 years but wont marry. He wont divorce and its been 14 years. I learned the truth after going through a hell for 4 years that he still loves her and she him and its his drinking as to the reason why they split (I was never told the truth) and was used like a fool when I could have been with another man, got married and had a child. Now its too late as Im 48.5 now. The ex should not be contacting your partner if they have grown kids and never should she be put above you. I learned the hard way.................

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