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Emotionally unsure

Published on August 17, 2011 by janice

I have been dating this guy for 21/2 years. Both of us are 4 years of age difference. I'm 38 and he's 34

We started as friends and have been dating since then. During the course of the relationship, he has not really shown his feelings verbally or physically. He knew that i like him but he has not really express it out since recently. During our phone conversation, he tells me that he likes me. We even held hands together recently. (He's not into public affection.) In fact, we have been sleeping with each other. we dated, watch movies or just hang out and we ended making love everytime.(this is before he confesses to me that he likes me). Intiially, i have thought of ending this relationship because i do not want him to regard that both of us having FWB relationship.

But since he confesses to me that he likes me recently, should i give him another chance and see where this relationship goes? In fact he has spoken of me to his family.

Is it advisable to ask him on when am i able to meet his parents? We have a problem on this because both of us are of dfferent religious faith and of different race.

I do really like him and i hope your insight will help me on what steps i need to take next.

ANSWERS

Hi Janice. I am not a 'dating coach" but I counseling client about relationships and this is a budding, perhaps, relationship. If you like this guy, go for it. Good connections are not easy to find. Start with some effective communication to find what he is feeling. Avoid the bid C (committment) word as that scares everyone at first. If you have dated and had a relationship, ask him if you could start this one differently. Share your feelings and see where it leads. Decide ahead of time what your needs and boundaries are and stick to those. Try the communication article in my free help section entitled Effective Communication. Congrats for finding a connection. http://www.marriagecounseling4u.com/articles Yvonne Sinclair M.A., MFCC

There are a few incongruencies in what you are saying. Using the Socratic method of answering questions with questions, I hope this helps you clarify what your intentions are for your relationship:

Do you think you're dating him, but you don't know how he regards your relationship?

What do you want to happen in this relationship? Do you know if he wants a long-term relationship? Is a long-term relationship what you want if you are asking about when you can meet his parents?

One of the things to ask yourself is whether you are compatible with him on an: intellectual, spiritual (doesn't have to be the same religion), and emotional level...in addition to the physical level. Are you challenging each other to grow and mature in these four areas? If not, then the chances of a lasting relationship together where you are respected, honored, and cherished by him and you reciprocate the same appreciation are greatly reduced.

Does he think you are dating, and call you his girlfriend?

When you commented that he may regard you as having a friends with benefits relationship--this makes me think that the two of you may view your relationship differently.

You started your post saying you'd been dating for 2.5 years. Are you exclusively dating, or just sleeping and hanging out together?

Have you two discussed where you want the relationship to go together? You said you have a problem, because you are not the same religion or race. Whose problem is this? Is it yours, his, or your respective families? Why are you in the relationship if either you or he have pre-judged your situation and think it is already not going to work out? Do you want the relationship to progress? Does he? What is the next step for you? What is the next step for him?

If you two do view your relationship status differently, then the question you seem to be asking here (more than asking him when you can meet his parents) is "what are we doing, and where are we going from here?"

When he replies listen to what he is actually saying, not what you'd like to hear him say.

If you do end up asking him when you are going to meet his parents. He may view this get together differently than you would. So I agree with Yvonne that open honest communication is the key ingredient here. You may also find this article helpful to figure out how you two communicate together--http://www.yourtango.com/experts/lyndsay-katauskas/which-type-communicator-are-you

Okay. Let's recap: 1. He does not really express his feelings for you verbally or physically. 2. You don't date, but rather watch movies at home, hang out and have sex. 3. You have not met his parents/family (though he SAYS he has mentioned you). By the way, if he wanted you to meet them, you would not have to ask him to do it. This sounds to me like a classic FWB relationship! If YOU want to make it into something more and he is not ready for that, my advice is that you stop having sex with him and look elsewhere for a long-term relationship.

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