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Give Advice: I'm Having An Emotional Affair With My Pastor

Published on September 11, 2010 by kimyo672

Recently I got close to the minister at my church, who is married. I, being only in my 20s, assumed that we were close as FRIENDS. However, I have been suspecting that he felt more than that for the last few months. I thought, surely not, he's a minster! But he's been telling me lately that he misses me and thinks about me when he's not around me, and he thinks he's wearing 'rose-tinted glasses' where I am concerned.


I'm getting a little freaked out. I don't want to wreak havoc at my church by talking about this to anyone, but I don't want this to continue either! To make matters worse, I have contracted to go into his home as a homestay student next year, and people will ask questions if I suddenly decide to break contract. I care about him as a friend so I don't want to report him or anything, but I really think I need to put a stop to this! Help??


Hello, you have a serious issue before you and there is a decision that you will have to make about your friendship with the minister. First off, as a married man he should not be talking to you in this manner whether he was a minister or not. To do this shows that he do not value the commitment of marriage. Second, as a minister he is supposed to be an example to the flock and only see the young ladies as sisters. You always have the free will to leave any ministry that you don't feel comfortable attending. Also, to fulfill the contract of this homestay will be a serious mistake and something that you may later regret. Don't worry about people you do what is the right thing to do and that is not to fulfill that contract. If you say anything about this minister to the church they will believe him over you and you will be the one that will be an outcast and be the bad person. If this doesn't stop you have to make a decision to stay or go. Pray about the situtation, "In all thy ways acknowledge him and he shall direct thy paths."

Hi kimyo672,

Normally one takes this type of problem to their minister. In your case the minister is the problem. That should be a sign to you that this is wrong and does not end well. I suggest you confront your minister with what you feel and your confusion and see where it goes. I sincerely hope you have another church to attend in case this does not go well - I do not think it will.

What do you see in this minister that makes you think he is without sin?

Good luck, kimyo672. Remember, this is a learning experience and life lesson. Use it well.

The way the minister is talking to you is completely inappropriate coming from a married man. You need to take care of yourself first by avoiding him. Absolutely do not do the homestay with him and his family. Look for another church to attend.

I know you want to protect him, but he is the one who should be taking care of his flock, not the other way around. You need to talk to someone else in authority in the church about him. If he has done this before with other women in his church, he needs to be stopped. If this is the first time he has gotten a crush on someone, then for the sake of his marriage and his own spiritual development, he needs help. You cannot help him with this issue because being around you is bad for him. The only way you can help him is by avoiding him and getting someone else to talk to him. Don't think of it as trying to get him in trouble, think of it as trying to get him help.

If you really can't bring yourself to report him, at least tell him that you don't want to do the homstay and ask him to help you come up with an excuse.

Unfortunately, he may deny this and people may believe him. Be prepared for that. Get support before you talk to anyone. If you talk to someone, make sure you do it in a way that is not gossiping but talking to the people who can work with him.

I would report this to someone immediately because clearly this man is NOT fit to be preaching the gospel! If the problem is not addressed and they choose to take his side over yours then I would definitely find another church to attend because this is completely unacceptable,but I would NOT keep this quiet because the other members and elders of the church need to be made aware of the type of man they have leading their congregation. Another thing is,I definitely would NOT go to his house! That will only encourage him further and who knows what else he might try! Don't be afraid to stand up for what is right because God will ALWAYS be there to help you. I will be praying for you and your situation!

Don't worry about wreaking havoc. What he is doing and how he is acting is totally inappropriate and unprofessional, and spiritually speaking, pastors are held to a higher standard than all the rest of us. He should not be in the position he is in and doing this and is wrong. I hope YOU will choose to take the high road and do the right thing and report him, or at the very least distance yourself from him and stay away.