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Dumped by Insecure Boyfriend

Published on November 4, 2012 by jennythecook

Hello,

I was dating a wonderful, respectable man for about a month. I'm 23 and he's 30.

We met on a dating site; he made contact first and was very interested in me. We exchanged lengthy messages on the site for a few weeks before meeting. Once we finally met, we clicked very well. Our personalities meshed well together and we enjoyed each other's company.

The trouble is, he admitted to being very shy, insecure and inexperienced in relationships. Before me, he hadn't dated in 8 years (his ex has since gotten married). I was also the first girl he dated outside his social circle. He always expressed his concern about trying to make me happy and worrying that I would get bored of him or that he wouldn't be able to please me.

After our fourth date, we attempted to have sex, but because of his nervousness, he was unable to become erect and was very embarrassed and ashamed. I was totally understanding and let him know that there was no pressure to please me and that everything was okay.

Things seemed to be moving well, as we started making plans for our near future, and talking about being together. However, all of a sudden, he called me today and broke up with me, saying that he somehow felt that our relationship wouldn't work out in the long run, despite the fact that we got along very well and were infatuated with each other. He was unable to cite any particular reason for his feeling, and simply said "Literally, there's nothing wrong with you, it's me."

I've always been laid back and accommodating, so I haven't done anything to make him believe he's inadequate in any way. However, he has always seemed insecure about his ability to make me happy and opened up about his inexperience in relationships.

Am I right in assuming that his insecurity is leading him to believe that he can't please me? What can I do? He was the best man I've ever dated and simply don't want to lose him so easily, especially if it's because of a misunderstanding on his part.

ANSWERS

According to your response, you've gone above and beyond to assure him that he doesn't need to worry about pleasing you, so I doubt it is a misunderstanding. It sounds like his issues go beyond being shy, and he probably needs counseling. You sound awesome, and although he may seem wonderful, I think you'd be depriving yourself by trying to be with him right now. You shouldn't need to convince someone to be with you; you should focus on finding the one who will know he can't live without you.

Try not to make assumptions and instead focus on the facts you have. He told you that the issue is on his end and it may very well have to do with his insecurity. You can be honest with him and tell him that you'd like to give the relationship another go if he changes his mind.Try to make your peace with whatever happens and know that the best match for you may be this guy or someone else.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

I have to agree with Susie and Otto. Men break off relationships for a variety of reasons and he may simply not have a great explanation. It sounds as if you have let him know that you are interested and if you can get a specific answer as to why he made his decision, then you can let him know if you feel there was a misunderstanding. Every relationship is part of our journey and if it does not work out, focus on what you learned about yourself and what qualities he had that made him "the best man" you have ever dated and focus on those qualities next time around.

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