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Does she really mean it when she says she wants to be with me?

Published on August 23, 2011 by unity in love and life

There is this girl I work with. We first hooked up about a 2 years ago. This was right after I had a nasty breakup so I wasn't looking for a new relationship at the time. However at the time She was totally in to me and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't reciprocal. I just wanted some time to work things out. But I didn't say that. So we did our thing on and off since then. Both of us wanting more, but only when the other didn't. I felt committed to her, but never said it. She felt the same way too and both of our hearts were broken more than once. So when she started talking about other guys I got the wrong message. I thought that was her way of telling me that she was looking for something more. I overcame my fear and had that talk with her. She said how she had tried not to become attached to me and that was the complete opposite of how I felt.

She panicked and overnight whatever we had fell apart. I had begun to move on, accepting what we had. I wasn't happy that I had never got exactly what I wanted, but I was happy with everything that I did get over that time. Then out of the blue she texts me asking to talk.

She explained why she panicked and since we talked last she had missed me and decided that I wouldn't be a terrible boyfriend after all. I told her basically that I was happy to move on and that she didn't have to explain anything. She said that she wanted more as long as I did too and that she wanted to take it slow. So now we are basically back to the friends with benefits, except for the friends part. It doesn't feel like it did and I didn't expect it too. All we've done is had some sex and watch a movie or two. Sometimes I feel closer than ever to her, but others I feel like a used condom, ignored and forgotten.

We planned a date night but she made other plans to have dinner with her mom the next day. With our history putting the other first is kind of an important step. I have made it clear that I was ready to (put her first) in both words and actions.

Did she just want the sex or does she really want to move forward?

How do we become close again and is there a future for us?



Hi there. I can see why you are confused. When we fear getting hurt, we often retreat, act from that fear and say or do things we don't mean, all for the sake of protecting our hearts. While it makes sense on an emotional level, we aren't acting in our best interests by avoiding emotional connection. I give both of you a tremendous amount of credit for finally standing up and telling each other that you want more. It doesn't however, mean that its going to be smooth sailing. She is likely gun shy after having two years of "friends with benefits" and each of you changing your minds multiple times. I would encourage you to have an honest conversation about your expectations and clarify what it means to "go slow." It's likely that you both have different ideas as to what it means and without discussing them, miscommunications will ensue.

Though you've already had the conversation, I would encourage you to have it once more. Be clear about the type of relationship you are looking for with her and what you feel you are ready to give. At that point, it will be up to her to evaluate where she's at and what she wants from the situation. There is always hope if she is in the same emotional space as you. If she isn't however, it may be time to explore your options and look for a girl that is ready for the kind of relationship that you are. And kudos to you, for that!

Best of luck to you.

Allison Cohen, M.A., MFT

It got off to a bad start. Both of you were not in it at the same time for various reasons. Nobody can tell you if there is a future. She makes you feel like a used condom? Is this love to you? Give it another chance. Maybe she's just a little confused about it too. You've told her how you feel. Play a little hard to get too. Don't be too clingy. This works with both men and women.

Does she seem the type to just want you around for sex? That's not "typical" of women (although it does of course happen) -- but women tend to be much more likely to become emotionally involved in their sexual relationships than guys (who, frankly, are rather like chimps when it comes to screwing anything with a pulse). For women, good sex is between the ears, not just a physical act. Make another date. Don't let the history drag you down and don't keep over-analyzing. It's a little early to start worrying about whether or not you have a future. Just see if you can get on the same page....


Thank you for this question! It's a gem.

In my humble opinion, the most powerful word in the English language is COMMITMENT. Our commitment leads the way into the future and if we're not clear about it, expect all kinds of wacky things to happen. If we're hiding our commitment in a relationship or potential relationship, the other person is reacting to our relationship to our commitment. Who you "be" about this relationship is how she will react to you. If you were clear, present and powerful, knew what you wanted and spoke from there, I promise you she would be different.

DO NOT SETTLE for feeling like a used condom. You have done that to yourself. It's time to get incredibly clear on what you want, communicate, be patient with her and stop settling. Stop trying to figure her out. That's playing second fiddle and it's what got you where you are.

The patience is so she can handle the change in you and understand that you are a force to be reckoned with in relationship, which is sorely lacking in today's dating world. Don't expect an instantaneous positive reaction, don't need one. Just be clear on what you want and where this is going for you. Leave her to choose.

Happy to be in touch further offline. Feel free to contact me.

Here to support YOU, 21st Century Man