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Give Advice: Does My Boyfriend Know I'm Not 'The One?'

Published on July 30, 2012 by cleya

I have been with my boyfriend for a year. He is 7 years older than me and has not been in a committed relationship for 6 years. He has trouble telling me he loves me, and has previously said he "loves me but is not in love with me." I often get upset about this and he has said that he loves me, but he has never had a "gushy feeling" of being in love and doesn't know what it feels like.

I have been very pushy in our relationship and often over analyze and ask questions. He is looking to buy a place in the next 6-8 months (not as a home, however more to buy, do up and sell). As we have been very rocky recently, he said he wouldn’t be ready to move in together right now, but he wants it in the future. We spend most nights together already and he says he wants it to be the same when he moves in to his own place. But, he wants me moving in to naturally happen.

He is a very honest person and always tells me the truth. However, I am just scared if he doesn’t automatically know he wants to move in with me, is it because I'm not the one for him? Or, does he not see a future with me? He has told me he doesn’t know what the future will bring and he is scared of promising me anything, as he doesn't want to let me down. Yet, he wants a future and hopes it happens.

Any advice? Do I need to stop being so pushy? I bring it up all the time!! And he hasn't even gotten the house yet. Personally, I'm only 21 and not even overly bothered about moving in with him. But, I feel because he is at that stage in his life and he doesn't want to do it with me, it's a bad reflection on how he feels about me and our relationship.


Basically you have to accept a person as they are right now, and not expect them to change, or decide you can't live with things as they are right now, and move on. It sounds like he is emotionally unavailable to you, as he says he's never had a crazy in love feeling before. Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't feel exhilarated to be with you? Do you really want to settle for mediocre?

Maybe you two argue so much because you're incompatible in the way you like to be in a relationship, so there's always a feeling of inbalance. The purpose of dating is to find someone who meets all of your main needs, and if they don't, it's time to cut loose and move on. If you're upset and frustrated more days than you're happy, the relationship is not right for you. Maybe when you meet a man who makes you feel special everday and is clear about his feelings, you won't feel the need to analyze everything. Take care.

He's getting everything he wants without having to make a commitment. You're only setting yourself up for more heartbreak. Being pushy isn't the answer. I do believe, however, that you should let him know the situation isn't going to go on as it is forever and if he has no desire to commit to you, then you are going to move on with your life, without him. And stick to it. You are making it too easy for him, he has no reason to make the extra effort.

I was head over heels in love when I was 21. It didn't work out, and then I met my future wife and it wasn't so simple. It was intense but complicated. It took almost 2 years before it felt natural to say "I love you." And we have been happily married for 40 years. The chemistry that bonds people romantically is powerful but not easy. I don't believe there is just one special person for each of us. The timing of when you meet and when you are ready for commitment has a lot to do with it. I think it is important to be patient, because the person you love may not be ready. But it is important not to tolerate abuse or to cling forever to a person who does not reciprocate your affection. But patience is important. Good luck.

Thankyou for all your comments!!

I completley agree with you safire1023 we do argue so much becuase of the way we both value a relationship. Even though i know he loves me, i dont understand why he dosent get the crazy in love feeling. He is however very affectionate, spends all his time with me, would do anything for me, and treats me like no one ever has before. Wehenever i get upset about not telling me he loves me all the time he always tells me actions speak louder than words. And if i am going off actions he goes out of his way to ensure im happy.

He has had a very bad childhood which he says has had an affect on him and he has admitted he finds it very difficult to show his emotions.

But my fear is i am going to end up heartbroken. We are both trying to compromise and meet in the middle to try be more 'compatable' in the relationship'. But is this a waste of time?

He just wants me to relax in the relationship and he dosent understand why i cant just enjoy it and live each day as it comes. I want that too, but for some reason i cant!!

Yes...he knows...he may not admit it to you or to himself, but deep down he knows. The situation is the same for him as know that feeling that you have when you are constantly thinking about him and want him around all the time...he has the same feelings for the woman he may be in love with...again, may be in love with. Many men will never be with the woman they actually love...most will settle for a nice lady that accepts them...and not put their hearts on the line and pursue/chase the one they truly love...because the pain of rejection and the fear of being shot-down far outweigh the happiness of having somebody or someone to share things with. Most won't say anything...but those that will be honest...are alone.

Sorry to be a Danny Downer...but the "1" could be a waitress or a sales-lady...most guys won't find or meet her due to too many other fears and false logic society has dumped on us.

Don't worry about him need to know you have chosen wisely...and that's the bottom-line.

Good luck.