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Does he really want to be with me?

Published on September 3, 2012 by anonymous

I've known this guy for about 4 months. We've been spending time together, hooking up, and talking to eachother everyday for about 1 month of it. We were close friends before becoming physical. He talks about us "making eachother miserable 15 years from now" and how he wishes he could take me and his daughter and just move to Scotland. He also tells me how he can't believe how attracted he is to me, and not just sexually. On more than one occasion he has said to me that no matter what happens between I will always be in his life. He also introduced me to his 3 year old daughter which he said he has never done with any other girl. My issues are that we are completely different people on opposite sides of the spectrum. I blame that on the fact that I am a fixed fire sign, Leo, and he is a fixed air sign, Aquarius, hahaha. But in all serious he also has a hard time commiting. His past relationships were rough and he says he used to be a very jealous, angry person. He is nowhere near that now. He said he likes his freedom and not having to "answer to anybody". He also said that he broke up with his last girlfriend because she tried to tell him what to do. I have never done that and I hope that he realizes that. There is so much more I can go into but I would be here forever. Anyway, I don't think he's hooking up with anybody else, it's just me, and we get along wonderfully! I keep trying to tell myself to take things slowly and not to pressure him into calling me his girlfriend. I just don't understand why he won't yet. Any insight you have on this would be GREATLY appreciated! Thank you so much.

ckozel17

ANSWERS

I agree. Your instincts are good. Just back off and let him have some space. Remember the old adage: "If you love someone, let him go. If he returns, he's yours; if he doesn't, he never was."

Giving him space is a wise idea, but make sure you are being true to what you want. Look at what's going on between you two now and try not to approach him or your relationship from the past (what you know of his past relationships) or from expectations you have based on your opposite astrological signs.

In other words, make sure you aren't bringing to the relationship a whole bunch of assumptions that are preventing you from enjoying yourself and him. If you see from what he says or does with you that he is not willing to make a commitment and you really want one, then it's time to make a decision about whether to stay in or leave the relationship.

I hear some red flags from what you write. Past relationships (their length, problems in the relationship, and other patterns), are good predictors of how a person will operate in the future. His statement that "no matter what happens to us" sounds to me like he expects the relationship not to last, but he doesn't want it to end in an ugly way. From my experience, lots of guys talk about the future with a woman at the beginning of the infatuation period, but it doesn't mean much. He says that his past gf tried to tell him what to do. This could be that she just wanted him to be accountable, which it sounds like he doesn't like to be. Being accountable, to me, is a part of being in an emotionally healthy relationship. Such as, if you're dating someone for this long, and he goes 5 days without calling, then that's not being accountable. An accountable person would say why they had to go a certain time period without calling, such as job commitments or studying for a big test, etc.

Women often let the man set the tone of a relationship, and let their own needs get on the backburner. If you want to be exclusive, (and I think 4 months is plenty of time to decide this), then I think you should ask him if that's where this relationship is heading. If you are too afraid to ask him this because it would scare him away, then the relationship is not right for you anyway. No man is worth you sacrificing your happiness for. If he doesn't have the same relationship goals as you, it's time to cut him loose so you can continue the search for what YOU want. When I was single, I didn't want to be kissing a man who wanted to be free to date others. If he didn't want to be exclusive, I moved on and kept searching for a man who had the same dating goals as me. It was tough to give up a man who I had chemistry with, was intelligent, cute and fun, but my happiness didn't lie with a man who couldn't make a commitment. I finally met a man who shared my life goals, and now we're married. I'm so glad I didn't settle.

Give him time, if you like, to prove that he will continue to put daily effort into the relationship. It takes a good year or two for people to reveal their real selves. Remember that you are the treasure, and a man has to be worthy of you to stay in your life. Good luck.

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