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do I only want him now because he doesn't want me?

Published on November 11, 2012 by joanie

I was seeing my ex for a year and a half. I had my doubts all through the relationship - he was 8 years older and divorced with 2 kids and I thought I should try to find someone else. I did enjoy doing things with him and we had a good sex life but I always had my eye open for someone else - I even tried dating sites thinking I could find someone else. I made excuses about introducing him to my friends and family and I often would rather spend time with my friends. I never really thought about him when I was away from him and sometimes I found his conversation boring. Sometimes I would find him less attractive and when I was away from him I didn't think about him that much. Don't get me wrong, I did really love spending time with him but I guess something was holding me back. So, here is the problem - after thinking that he would always be there (how stupid I was considering how I treated him really) he told me that our relationship was not working and he only wanted to see me as a friend with benefits. Suddenly I forgot all the things that bugged me about him and all I wanted was to get him back - now I think I'll never find anyone like him and worry that I've let a good thing go - what a mess! Did I ruin things by thinking the grass was greener or if I was really into him would i have had so many doubts? It is driving me crazy!


Everything you've said here says you thought he was second best and were only using him until something better came along. You acted bored with him, too embarrassed by him to let him meet your friends and family, and preferred to spend time with him less than you did with your friends. A man needs to feel desired, appreciated and respected by the woman in his life. You gave him NONE of those.

YES!!! - you've ruined things with him by treating him badly (and his kids - if you treated him this way, how did you treat them?). He caught on to it, got sick of it and told you it was over. Now that you CAN'T have him, you want him. Apologize for your horrid behavior, tell him he deserves better than that, and let him go. Then grow up, and don't ever treat anyone that way again!

First I think you need to decide for sure if you are really, really into him and want him back. Take some time for yourself and decide. If you don't want him, cut ties and move on. If you do want him back then next you need to figure out if you are willing to make the changes needed to make him happy this time. You are sort of ahead of the game here because you already fully recognize what the bad behaviors were. If you do want him back, it's generally not that hard to get back together with someone. They liked you before and if you give it a little time and then reconnect and act the way you did in the beginning, the way that first attracted to them to you, they are pretty much conditioned to be attracted again. You can't repeat the behaviors that broke you up in the first place or history will just repeat itself though. I think he is still hung up on you somewhat because he didn't just totally cut you loose. I wouldn't settle for being a friend with benefits though or you'll be the one left unsatisfied with the relationship this time. Sometimes we don't really appreciate what we have until it's gone. If things work out, then please treat him right this time. Good luck.

I have worked with countless number of women to get them over heartbreak and what I have found is that the grass is never greener its just different grass.

I have just published a book on How To Get Over Your Ex which i think will be very useful for you - you can download the first chapter for FREE at

Hope it helps! Thanks Marina