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Do I deserve to move on after what I been through?

Published on November 16, 2012 by rossfanfreak

Me and my ex-boyfrind have been going out and breaking up for 2 years and most of it ended up we being friends with beneifts.

We tired to keep the relationship but we couldn't accept eachothers flaws. He changed after the first relationhip we had. He put the blame on me for everything because it was my fault that I was acting the way I was and he couldn't deal with my stubborness and I dealt with the pain for 17 months, I tired to change but it was never good enough for him to see and even though I tired telling him that I am the way I am and he should try to deal and accept it, but he never listen. Even if we tried just being friends but he acted like I was invisble and never listen to me when I tried to make conversation.

He was a senoir that year and it made my sophmore year worse then every. He took my best friend to prom and I let her do it because I thought I could handle them going but I couldn't and he even wanted to date my best.

We even became friends with beneift. We had sex 5 times dont worry we used protection and I thought that he would come back to me after that but then he would I got thinking that he. We even planned a date but he cancelled it because he was afraid his parents would catch him hanging out with me then later txted me up saying that he so horney that it hurt and so we ended up having sex that night. I figured out that he only acted to care and love me so he could get sex out of me because I was the only one he knew he could get and he just wanted the chase.  And he always tired to convice me to have sex without protection. I felt very pressured. And he got drunk one time when he noticed the scares on my arms and legs and he got mad so after I told him that it takes time but he didn't listen. That was the day when he started drinking.

I admit that I made mistakes and I was immature and I still wasn't over him. I would come home and cry every night, cause I felt all alone in this and there was no one I could turn to. My friends didn't help either because they were so wrapped up in their own problems that they didn't seem to understand so I fought this alone. My mom even got scared of me.

My way of trying to cope with the pain, I relied of music to help me because it had the songs that understood how I was feeling, I would walk 3 miles outside in the dead winter because I needed to clear my mind and I even tired crying and watching Shane Dawson Videos on YouTube it made me laugh but after awhile it go boring and crying was enough to help me. He didnt know how much he was affecting me and it also changed me I dye my hair black, and became Goth. I was so lost and alone , I always felt like a fish with no water, I just couldn't handle anything. My depression got worse, I couldn't trust anyone anymore, I kept blaming myself for what I did and I felt that I didn't deserve love and happiness anymore. I thought that nobody wanted me and nobody wanted me around and I thought about sucide most of the time. I tried going aneroxic and my biggest thing was Cutting. When I started cutting I realized what my coping thing was and my only way of punishing myself when I thought me and Dustin and my mistakes. I still wasn't over him.

When time went by I started to getting alittle bit better, I got help and after a while I started to open my eyes to what Dustin was now, and I got alittle bit stronger as the day went by my I still had my moments and I still continued to cutt myself cause it was the only thing that help me calm down, and be happy.

When summer came me and Dustin tried it again and we worked out more our problems but I was still cutting myself, and my still depressed. It lasted for a week and then he broke up with me because he was leaving for Basic and AIT in June and he didn't want me to feel stressed and still could see me as a friend. That hurt me deep and it made me continue to be depressed and the complusive self harming

After he left I tried to focuse on getting over him and it was working untill one day he came back early and text me up saying he was sorry I forgave him even though I didnt believe him cause I knew it was his game to get me to have sex with him. He tried that one time when he asked me if he could go get condoms I didn't want him to have sex with me anymore but I let him sleep with me that night cause we both ended up spending the night at a friends house and there was only the one couch bed in the living room.

So the next day I asked him out because i thought we could work it out again but he told me that he wasn't ready and I told him ill wait but I thought to myself I dont want to wait for him forever and I got mad and I thought that I was never gonna get over him or and I keep grieving still. and I still cutted myself. On Septmber 17 I went to the homecoming dance with my friends and we ended going to Dustins house and I wasn't about it but I was gonna try and ignore him no matter what. When I saw there he kinda let himself go and I was really uncomfortable around him and I sware he was trying to flirt with me. I didn't wanna be there but it turned out to be fun. I talked to him the next day that week and i told him that I miss the him that I thought I once knew and he said he didn't know where and that was when I finally stopped talking to him. I worked for sometimes and I felt like it was getting better but I still was depressed and was still harming myself but not as frequents.

So one day I come home from school and I got a sudden txt from Dustin and I anwsered back. our converstation turned into seeing eachother and we started going out again because I decided to give him anyother chance to see if he really changed. But the first thing I told him was that I wanted him to prove to me that he had changed and he agreed, I agreed to understand his work schedule. The first few weeks that we were going out he was like a total prince charming and it went well for a while, When we txted eachother he still sounded bored and he didnt give me any appericatation about my converstatin. I tried to ask him if we could try calling eachother but he said it was too busy for that. One time he told me that he and his best friend spent the night at his ex-girlfriends how, i got mad at that he didn't tell me that sooner, and that he slept with another women because he was afraid he might not get me back. Yet in the long run I felt like I was the one more effort in the relationship and that I was the only one working at it. He has to put his work first, I understood that but i told that he could put our relatinship first to try a comprise. He wasn't getting what I wanted from him and he keep wanting to have sex with me but I didn't let him. Three weeks before I ended it he seemed like he gave up on me and cared about drinking with his buddies.

His brothers came to the muical I was performing in and yet Dustin couldn't because he went drinking at a party with a bubby. And he kept trying to put the blame on me when I told him how I felt about it. That when I told myself that was it, I was done, I couldn't handle it anymore. Before I broke up with him again this time I thought about the past and told myself that I didn't want to keep fighting about the same things we fought and struggled with in the past. And that he only wanted me to go out with me because he wanted what he wanted from me. Do I really want to marry him 10 years down the road and he still treating me like Im the only he can get with to have sex. I had to think about it though. I finally decided yesterday to do it cause he just care anymore, I told him to move on. Even though I had alittle regret and it cause me to get sick, in the long run i know i did the right thing.

(So thats my story and if u can't get it thats okay, but I would still like to have a awnser, and  I hope to hear from your opinon sorry about it being so long and the grammers and sentences are messed up.) My ex-boyfriends name is Dustin and is refread to "he"