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do cheaters ever stop cheating?

Published on June 6, 2010 by penelop

besides cliches about cheating, is there hope? after 2 years of dating,i busted my ex out with someone else. besides this area, he is fun, intelligent, and has always been a positve person in my life. i forgiven the ordeal but refuse to get involved again physically or emotionally. we are in our early 40's and our problems have circled around trust. men have flirted with me in the past and has caused us problems. he has had too many female friends for my liking as well. i feel he did wat i wouldnt do. meaning guys may flirt but they dont stand a chance to get intimate with me. since this i have become more aware of who i talk to and how, in case i am miconstrued as a flirt. we talk from time to time and we still love each other. but i wont compromise on fidelty issues. is there any advice for me. i was single for 3yrs before him so single life doesnt scare me. unhealthy relationships do. will my absence in his life motivate growth? presently im single and enjoying keeping myself healthy mind, body and spirit. my ex is one my favorite people to b around-i'm divorced, mother of 3 and gainfully employed and part-time student. just want to know if i should throw the baby out with the bath water.

ANSWERS

You've taken a mature, healthy approach after your breakup. I want to congratulate you on that. That takes courage and strength, which you obviously have. I'm proud that you have the confidence in your convictions to not put up with infidelity.

It's hard to say if the breakup will make a difference to your ex. We tend to stay true to our nature, so if he's cheated in the past, he most likely would again. If there were more women like you who consider infidelity a true "deal breaker" less men would cheat. They cheat because they know if they apologize enough their women will forgive and take them back.

You may love this man, but if he really loved you, he wouldn't have betrayed you like he did. That's the bottom line. I can understand your concern with all his female friends too.

I think for now it's wise to focus on YOU and how you interact with others and what you want out of life and relationships. Just like you're doing.

It's not unreasonable for you to expect your partner to be faithful. And you shouldn't feel like you have to settle for less than that.

I sooooooooo can relate!!! I have been cheated on by two ex partner, and I have a very close friend who is constantly cheating on her partner. That being said: CHEATERS NEVER STOP CHEATING, they just get better at it... They get better at hiding it, better at lying, better at apologizing and making empty promises.

Don't put yourself through that.

Penelope,

If i say something that may offend you, I really do apologize. I have been in a 2 1/2 relationship before where i didn't know what was going on until I moved a year into ourrelationship. He has more girls than guys (just as I have more guys than girls as firends). The breaking point in our relationship was that he had a thing for women who seem like victums (I asked him why he was with me too). When I found out that he lied about not doing it anymore, I started to tell myself that i didn't have to put up with it. I love(d) him, and i put up with his jealousy and possessiveness. So I did the only thing that I knew would be a start to a healthy life. I gave him a choice saying that he can do anything they want with them, but that means that we'll be roomys for a while because i wasn't going to be sexual or intimate.

In the end it's trust, it's being assertive. it's still putting your 120% even if you have insecurites. If it doesn't work then you will learn a great life lesson in the end. I know I have.

Oh! so to answer your question "do cheaters ever stop cheating?". My answer is yes, they can. But! Only if they want to make it stop. You can't expect change from them just because it makes you feel a certain way. Most people who cheat just can't be happy with what they got, and by the time they actually start to realize that they really want you... They may not have you by then.

Cheaters can stop cheating just as anyone can change any behavior once they decide they want to and are ready to. It may be difficult but it can be done. But the more important aspect here isn't whether he can stop but what he chooses to do. You have set excellent boundaries for yourself so far and I applaud you for it. As long as you are honest with yourself and with him about the boundaries you have for a relationship you need not worry about taking care of what is going on with him. If he cares about you he will either make changes in his life that support a relationship with you or will decide that changes are too much for him.

Keep enjoying your life as you have been and keep those boundaries intact. If he doesn't make the changes you need for a relationship, be sure to grieve over the loss so you can move on fully.

People in a relationship will be inclined to cheat if they are unhappy with their partner or spouse. It's oftentimes something you can't even put your finger on. One of my friends has always had a penchant for cheating on his girlfriends, and just a few years ago, he finally admitted to me that he cheats because he's unhappy with his own identity in a relationship as well as who he is with at the time. Take this time not to think about your ex but to improve yourself!

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