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Dilemma: to divorce or not?

Published on November 28, 2013 by aneesah

I have been married for 8 years with 2 kids who are 6 and 5. I have not been having a fulfilling and happy marriage for the last 5 years. Our relationship became distant after the birth of our kids. Before the kids we did have a healthy sex life. We still had one after both kids were born but not that frequent it happened. My husband had been having affairs with Filipino women for the last 3 years. He doesn't stay home at night. Goes out almost every night leaving me and the kids alone. I am not sure if he has sex with them, although I feel it could have happened seeing the kind of women he goes out with. He likes clubbing and drinking and goes to nightclubs often. He was seeing another one last year and was very close to her. I found out and as usual he denied. I had forgiven him 3 times after finding out each time about his affair. Just recently he created a social media account, posting a pic of him with another Filipino woman. I have not questioned him yet. I am lost. I don't think I will live happily as this has been happening for the last 4 years. I am contemplating a divorce but my boys are still small and i am worried of their future without a father. But I am not happy too.

ANSWERS

This is blatant dishonor to the vow of marriage. Reading your post upsets me. I am not upset because your husband is a cheating, lying, scumbag. I am upset because you allow it. I am willing to bet your husband was unhappy with you a long time ago. It is unfortunate that he has chosen a destructive path. Your behavior to do nothing is causing more damage than you probably realize. I know your boys are young, and divorce will be difficult. Did you ever think: "What is my husband's bad behavior and my complacence doing to my son's moral and ethical character?"

You are basically telling them, get married and have sex with other women. Your husband cheated on you 3 times and you forgave him three times. Why would you keep putting yourself back into the same situation?

Start fighting for what is right for you and your boys. Start documenting his excursions and if you can rely on your family to help you, hire a private eye or hire a good family law attorney (specifically one that specializes in divorce law) that will make sure he will pay you what is needed. If you don't have money, your lawyer will figure out a way for you. You need to initiate the divorce and make the claims that you want. But document, document, document everything from now on. Bank statements, utilities, cable, the boys schools, everything that you and your husband pay for. Retirement, life insurance, trusts, etc. Don't lead on that you plan to divorce; otherwise, he may preempt it.

Divorce is horrible. I'm going through it right now and I'm fighting for half custody of my daughter. My ex is making false accusations and straight up lies to exclude me from my daughter's life. If you're strong enough to go this route, be prepared for anything. I wouldn't be surprised if he tried to sweet talk you back. Convince you that he's changed his ways. Just remember the history and the 5 years you've suffered unhappiness. Start going to counseling so that you can work through your emotions and make the best choice you can for yourself and your two boys. A man without honor is not a man in my eyes.

For simplicity: this is what I would suggest:

1.) Begin collecting evidence on his excursions with other women and start seeing a licensed clinical social worker to make the transition for divorce. This will strengthen you emotionally and mentally to help you through this transition. Exercise if you can.

2.) Once you feel you are strong enough, hire an attorney to file a petition for divorce. List what you want and hold nothing back. Ask for full custody and alimony. You also need to a plan how you are going to live. He needs to leave the domicile and have his own place with his ladies. Speak with your attorney about this, he or she may be able to help. If he is a violent man, you may need to get a temporary restraining order.

3.) Work with your therapist to help rebuild. Your sons will be affected by this in ways that you cannot begin to imagine. They may hate you for doing this; however, you need to let them know that you love them and that you want to be happy. Tell them that you still want them to have a relationship with their father, but you cannot. Eventually, they will understand and see the truth behind your soon to be ex-husband.

I'm sorry for being so vehement in my response to you. I only want you to stand tall and become a stronger person for you, your sons, and the people around you. Just ask yourself: How long am I willing to live like this? You can spend the next 5, 10, 15 years regretting your decision to stay or you can make an active decision now in your life and say ENOUGH! Good luck with this. I will keep you in my prayers. You have strength. It's up to you to grab it.

I have a question for you. What do you want?

I know this is short and very simple, but you can't possibly know your next steps if you aren't clear on the answer to this question.

I'm one of the experts here on Your Tango, and if you want help gaining clarity on YOUR answer, I'll gift you with a 30 minute session and I'll help you with that. Just send me an email through www.reclaimyourselfafterdivorce.com

I can't imagine the pain you're in....

Warmly, Leila

If you worry about your children, please just don't.

My parents were not happy together, and he was not a good father either. I can tell you I actually wished they devorced since I was very, very little. My life would have been much better without a father like the one I had. It is much better to have just a single parent who actually cares and loves her children.

What he is doing is pretty horrible. Think of this: if he cared about your children he would have not done that and he wouldn't still be doing it!

Fact: he does not care about you or your children, so you can be sure your children will be better away from him.

I would say hun if the person you don't like is not fulling your happiness for five years you need to move on your kid might be sad but you need to follow your heart if this person is a good parent a urging what's good for the kids and you I hope and wish you the best good luck hun

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