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Difficulties understanding what he wants

Published on April 4, 2012 by canala

I met a guy online and we dated casually first for 6 months, then had a 4 month break with some contact in between, and now we are almost back in the same casual situation we were during our "first cycle". He's highly educated, I'm getting there. Both have active social lives. However, please could you give me some hints interpreting his behaviors (I'm scared he's only an unavailable man seeking attention) as I don't quite get why he seem to want me but then backs off:

  • He always texts me, never calls. During our "active" period around every second/third day
  • Has the tendency to take long time before replying
  • He normally makes the plans and suggests he wants to see me, but then has to cancel blaming work
  • I've never met any of his friends which he has plenty of
  • I know I'm a secret to his friends, however he's perfectly fine expressing his emotions in public with me (holding hands, kissing, eating out)
  • We never see each other in the weekends
  • Sometimes his words don't match his actions
  • We have an amazing sex life, he initiates the sex mainly cause I'm shy.
  • We have great foreplay and he likes cuddling. He can spoon the whole night.
  • He tells me he's missed me and I'm beautiful

It's now been almost a year since I first met him. We're not going anywhere and I feel like ending it this time (he ended it first time with vanishing after we seemed to have gotten quite close to official). I like him a lot, although there's that certain barrier I still need to break in order to come closer. I know he likes me, but he clearly has some commitment issues. Or is he only what I fear he is; an emotionally unavailable man who needs an ego boost?

  • Hopeless


Well, he may be in another relationship (married/long term gf). If he's not and you just aren't satisfied with the relationship, leave or tell him what you want and set a mental deadline to see the effort or change.

Most of your bullet-ed items are red flags. It sounds like you are more of a convenience than a priority. If you are in any stage of a budding relationship and you feel like you're a "secret" - that's a major sign that something is going on that is NOT in your best interest.

I also picked up on the fact that you said he is highly educated and you "are getting there". What made you even bring that up? Healthy relationships should make you feel bigger, not smaller. The decision about what you should do lies in all the information you provided. I think deep down you know what that is.

Do you want a relationship that is about settling, or do you think you deserve one that is equal, loving and affirming?

His few good traits don't make for the serious negative ones. He is using you for sex. Make a list of must haves and dealbreakers in a relationship and stick to them. Cut a man loose when you see that he doesn't meet your needs. This frees you up to find a man worthy of you. It takes time and is frutrating, because you have to sift through a lot of sand before you find the treasure. Don't cling to any warm body because he's cute and sexy. Have some standards. Tell him the relationship's not working for you and stop all communication. Don't let him reel you back in, which he may do to keep on having sex with you. Change your number and e-mail address is you're not strong enough to ignore his calls. Good luck.