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did sex ruin our friendship?

Published on February 5, 2010 by scs

So I'd been friends with this guy for 9 years (since high school!), and we'd kept in touch over the years, always been good friends. Well, one evening last summer, we hung out alone together, both got drunk, he started saying things to me--including, while we were fooling around, half-naked and on our way to sex, "I love you"--which I didn't say back (didn't know if he meant it or just didn't know what he was saying). We had sex fairly regularly after that for a few months, and suddenly, he stopped answering/returning my calls. I've tried to get in touch with him a few times since then, but still nothing--he promised it wouldn't screw up our friendship, but clearly it has. I feel like he's avoiding me/blowing me off for no good reason (I'd rather have my friend back than nothing at all), and I just don't understand why someone would do that to a person they've been friends with for the better part of a decade. What did I do wrong? Was he just using me? Did I hurt him, or did he hurt me? Will he ever come back, or should I just work on getting over the whole thing? What the heck happened?!

ANSWERS

First of all, be honest with yourself. If you guys had sex then there was always something more than just friendship beneath the surface of your relationship that was helping to string it along. Now that you've acted on that it's gone and so apparently is your friendship.

I can't tell you why he's not calling you back, but I do think you need to find closure on your own. No matter what he says as a reason (should he ever give one) it wouldn't be good enough and you would just be more confused. Also, if you guys became friends again you know you would just fall back into sex. It's clear he isn't capable of being mature about this, so I advise you to mourn your loss, move on and hope that he wisens up one day.

I don't think you can have sex with someone and just be friends. It changes the relationship and something will be different. FWB situations always end up changing because eventually one person will want more or one person will eventually want to move on when they find someone they really want to be with. There's no way to really know what's going on with him. Perhaps he has a steady girlfriend now and wants to end things but doesn't have the respect for you to actually tell you that and instead blows you off. But who really knows. There's nothing you can really do to get him to answer you if he's avoiding you and therefore no way for you to know what's really up. But the best thing to do is not to dwell on it. Just let him go, move on. Maybe one day when he's ready to be friends with you again he'll contact you but I wouldn't hold my breath on that. If you still feel unsettled, maybe you should try sending him a letter/email. Letting him know that you value the friendship above everything else and you'd rather be just friends than nothing at all. If he still doesn't respond, he's probably not interested in saving the friendship. But after this if you do become friends again, it's probably best not to fall into the same patterns.

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