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Dealing with my anger around his lies and disrespect

Published on January 4, 2012 by thegerman

I am 49 years old and for the past 5 months I have been dating a 48 year old, barely divorced, father of three (11 f, 9 m, 9 m). He has his children every other weekend and two nights a week.

I found out that for the first two weeks of our relationship he lied to me about concurrently seeing (and having a very deep emotional relationship) with a married woman from his work. I was hurt and upset, but he turned the scenario around on me by refusing to believe how I came about the information that tipped me off to this other relationship. Every time we fought over this he essentially told me I was the one lying. I would fly into a rage because I get so frustrated at not being able to make him realize the truth.

His 11 year old daughter, who is incredibly attached to him (i.e. he has to hold his hand if he holds mine etc....which I do understand) lied about something that I allegedly said about me wanting to become part of the family (which I didn't) and he believes her. I finally broke up with him. Four weeks later, he pursues me, tells me he loves me, wants me back. I do love him. So I agree to work things out with him. I ask him (for medical reasons) if he had intercourse with anyone while we were broke up, and he said no. A week later I find out that, once again, he lied about this. He slept with one of his friends a couple of times, but insists it was just a 'no-strings-attached' situation. I requested that he kindly call this friend and find out if she has had recent STD screening. He calls and essentially apologizes for me asking the question. We get in a fight because he felt awkward and consequently made me feel as though I had no right to ask. Five hours into the argument he suddenly 'remembers' that they were using condoms. So I call his friend and she confirms. He gets mad because I didn't believe him. He continues to 'confront' (his word) me about my alleged lies. I am beyond hurting. Every time I want to leave him, he cries and tells me he loves me, and that we're meant to be together. That he doesn't want to lose me and he wants to be with me. That he won't leave (when I ask him to) because he will not run away. And every time I forgive him, the next day he will turn on me telling me that he is confused, that we are going around in circles, that he wants me to just be his friend. And then I fly into another rage. Because I feel so betrayed time and time again. I am beyond hurt, and yet, I don't want to give up, because he does have so many good qualities. Or maybe I'm just seriously delusional. Why else would I allow someone to continue lying to me about important issues? Is there any way to salvage this relationship?

ANSWERS

When someone show you who they are, believe them the first time. Over and over, he's turned out to be a liar, and still you stay with him. He can be Prince Charming 90 percent of the time, but if he possesses dealbreakers such as lying, having sex with women who mean nothing to him, and placing the blame on you when he's at fault, the relationship will never be what you want. If you were a person with self love and self respect, you would have dumped him the first time he showed you this. Work on your self esteem by reading articles and books to get the skills to achieve this. Break up with him. Be strong and don't communicate with him, EVER. Be alone for at least 6 months before dating again. Cut a man off when he possesses dealbreaker or lacks must haves. If you don't have a list of these things, make one. Don't introduce your children to a man until you believe it'll be long term, which is probably 4-6 mths into the relationship. Kids don't need people parading in and then parading out of their lives. Good luck.

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