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Dating 5 months and still don't know if he's interested!

Published on March 3, 2014 by erica1288

I'm 25 and have been dating this guy who is 26 for about 5 months now and he's very different from any guy I've ever dated in that he's much more reserved than any guy I've ever been with. We also live a little over an hour away, so we really only get to spend time with each other on the weekends. We met through mutual friends at a party.

Things started out really well between us...he was very sweet and attentive and a gentleman to me. He also told me that he wanted me all to himself and didn't want me to be with anybody else. So we've been exclusive for awhile now, however things have been complicated. We still haven't had sex because either he can't get an erection or can't keep one, and I'm way too terrified to bring it up to him because I don't want to embarrass him or make him feel insecure. Also, he'll call me almost every night during the week and we'll talk on the phone for about 20-30 minutes, but the conversation often feels stale and like it doesn't flow well. There have also been days when I don't hear from him at calls/texts, nothing, which irritates me considering that our actual time spent together is so limited. And sometimes when we speak on the phone it feels like he's not paying attention/listening, but rather paying attention to other stuff, like the tv. Also, lately he hasn't been as affectionate with me as he was before, he won't cuddle with me as much or give me kisses on the cheek like before or rub my back, etc. Overall, I just don't know if I really feel a spark or if he's really all that into me.

I've brought up my feelings to him that I don't feel like he's all that into me three different times. Every time I've talked to him about it, I've been very calm and sweet about's not in my nature to be super assertive or outspoken. Each time I've told him how I was feeling, he has told me that he does really like me and care about me and that "he'll do better" and doesn't want anyone else.

Well after the most recent time I brought my feelings to his attention, I didn't hear from him for a few days after that. But after a few days, he slowly started talking to me again and told me that he missed me. And shortly after that, he drunk dialed me one night and told me that he thinks I'm sweet and adorable and that he's never dated a girl like me before. He also told me that it really hurt him when he and I didn't talk for a few days and that he refused to just give up on me. He also mentioned that he told his friends that I'm really good in bed, which I just found very odd since we haven't actually had sex, all we've been able to do is fool around. And then he made comments along the lines of "Since I've been sucking as a boyfriend" and "Am I not interesting enough for you?"

Well a couple of days after this conversation, he and I decided to hang out and went to a hockey game with each other and got dinner afterwards. Overall, I felt like he was being distant from me...for instance, when we rode the subway back, I placed my head on his shoulders and tried to cuddle up to him a little bit, but he just played on his phone and didn't put his arm around me or anything. Then when we got back to my place I tried to cuddle with him a little bit, but I physically had to take his arm and wrap it around my shoulders. I just felt like he was being kind of cold. Then, later on after he left and he texted me to let me know he got home safely, I texted him a sweet little message saying "Wish we were cuddling right now!" He never responded.

I am beyond frustrated with this relationship and feel like I've been racking my brain and busting my butt trying to figure things out. I just have no clue what to do/say/think anymore. Help?!


Dear erica1288, I understand your frustration as it sounds like he's sending extremely mixed signals. He may have intimacy issues. He may be pulling away and unsure and unready to either deepen or fully cut-off the relationship.

What I would do is confront him while the actions are occurring. Like when you were on the subway and he didn't put his arm around you. Call it out on the spot. You don't have to be confrontational about it, but tell him that you're interpreting these behaviors as he doesn't care or "he's just not that into you". It sounds like this guy has some issues and probably some growing up to do. I'm also guessing there are some skeletons in his closet that may give you big insight as to why he is the way he is.

If you call it out and nothing ever changes, eventually you're just going to have to decide for yourself what kind of relationship you want and if it's possible to have it with him. If not, you need to brave up and pull the plug. He might be really immature when it comes to relationships and in either case, you deserve not to be jerked around emotionally with his games. These are games he is playing with you. Decided what you want and go after it, even if that means with someone else.

Go luck.