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Could this go anywhere?

Published on August 2, 2013 by mjd1030

Three months ago, I was introduced to a guy. We had great conversation and a great date. Then he started inviting me over to his house. I did sleep with him that week, and he freaked out because I wasn't on birth control and immediately cut me out of his life. A month later, he reached out to me and apologized, and we started seeing each other again. He didn't take me on dates but we still hung out at each other's homes. Then a few days. Then family came into town, and he didn't initiate any contact during this time. I thought he blew me off, so I let it go. A week later, I get a text from him. He says he texted me twice in the last week, and I never responded (because I never got them). He invited me over, and he tells me he really likes me. He doesn't see this relationship going bad. He also has said in the past that he's looking for a long term relationship. So now we're back to seeing each other again...no dates, just hanging out at his house, everything seems great. Then, once again after a few days, things get busy for him with work, and the communication dies down to saying he'll call and not calling or just sending a "hello" text. So my question is.... Is it possible that he really is interested in dating me and seeing where this goes, or have I become a convenience for him when he feels that he needs some kind of emotional and physical connection? The words are there, but the actions when we're not together are not. Should I wait it out or let it go? Is it too soon to expect more than what I'm getting?

ANSWERS

Sorry, my computer deleted some of that question. Each time we were together was a few days of a great time, and then the communication stopped. The second time was because family came into town. This time it's because work has been crazy. It's only been less than a week since the last time I saw him, when everything was really good. The communication isn't there, though, which leads me to believe he's not really into me. Unless I'm just jumping the gun, because we haven't really developed a relationship. I don't know if I'm making excuses, or if he really is just fulfilling his own needs on his own terms.

I think you should definitely let him go. If he is not able to decide for himself wether he want something serious with you then he is wasting your time. He is clearly just messing around and comes to you whenever he feels lonely and seeks comfort. I don't mean to sound harsh but that's my honest opinion.. Just make sure that you are happy and never make yourself so available because that way men can easily manipulate you.. I hope you work things out! xx

Dear MjD1030:

I read your last question (in your PS) and the first thing that came to me was - you already know the answer.

And may I say - forget about what he wants and what he's feeling - how about how are you feeling (dejected) and what do you want (a guy who takes you on real dates and doesn't "drop" communication).

Having said that, I'm sure he likes you and enjoys your company, but it's obvious that he's not ready for a real relationship with anyone. And anyone who doesn't take protection against pregnancy (and STDs) into their own hands and relies on you taking the pill is just lazy and dare I say dumb. And the fact that he "freaked out" on you because of it speaks volumes about his immaturity. (Do yourself a favor, even if you're on the pill, wear a condom - it gives you extra protection against unwanted pregnancy and it'll protect you in various other ways - obviously this guy doesn't feel the need.)

Though I don't like telling people what to do, it's what I do, so let me tell you this ... drop this loser. He doesn't deserve you. You should be able to get what you want in a dating relationship. And as long as your main concern is what he wants and you allow him to run your relationship, there is no relationship - it's all one-sided.

Find a guy who likes to date - because that's what you want to do - date, not sit in some guy's apartment. Find a guy that will take you out to dinner or go to fairs or whatever you like to do. Seeing a guy only in his apartment you'll never see the whole guy. I always tell a lot about a guy by the way he treats others - like waiters and ticket takers - is he polite and respectful or does he think he's too cool to talk to people or does he treat others badly. It's a good way to gauge a guy's true disposition, and not just how they act when "dating." You however already know how this guy is ... and he's not what you seem to want.

This guy will tell you everything's good between you because he's getting his way - and he'll only say that as long as you let him get his way. The last time I looked dating involved two people and what they both want.

Get what you want - but get it from another guy who deserves your obviously tender heart. Let him find someone else to warm his couch - he's a total Player.

So let me know how this turns out for you. I'd really like to know what happened. And trust me - if my words seemed harsh, they were meant to be. The reason I know so much about relationships is because of all the mistakes I've made - and I've vowed to keep others from making those same mistakes whenever possible.

Keep your chin up and smile, because you can have everything you want if you just stick to your principles. If they don't "date" you, then don't date them.

Write me - I'm LJ a your trusted advisor and a YourTango Expert http://www.yourtango.com/experts/LJInnes

Dear MDJ 1020,

Yes. You know the answer! You only need to feel it inside yourself. You want someone more present, aware, conscious, and you honors you by dating you and being responsible himself regarding sexual protection.

And it can be empowering to express what you are feeling and honoring these feelings within yourself. If you decide to part ways, which definitely seems to be a empowering option, it may also be powerful to express why to him. Not for his sake, he will 'get it' or not. But for you to experience the power of stating what you deserve, which is clearly more than what you have been receiving. Wishing you the best - Maryanna Bock, L.C.S.W.

You mentioned several times that you're not going on "real dates". At this point, there's no incentive to date on his part. He's getting your closeness, company, and sex when he wants it/has time - so from his point of view things are probably pretty good the way they are.

For your part, the biological chemicals coursing through your body (read biological anthropologist Helen Fisher - fascinating stufff!) light up the feel-good centers of your brain not unlike an addiction. And you will feel this way about him until you stop sleeping with him.

Fisher makes a case for not sleeping with a guy if you don't want to fall in love with him -- because we are biologically hard-wired to do that.

Love on your side/indifference on his seems like a rotten deal for you. Have to agree with the others that it's not going to get better.

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