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Confused

Published on November 27, 2013 by jtyrrell75

Hi

I am hoping you can shed some light on my situation, you might think it a little strange that a 38 yr old has to ask for relationship advice. I cannot say I have ever been in a normal relationship in my life. The first time I brought a man home i was in my 30's and he only met my family that once, we lived together on and off for 4 years and he cheated on me many times. I was sexually abused when i was a young teen by my karate instructor for many years. My next 'relationship' straight after that was with a married man who was also alot older than me. I ended that eventually when I was in my early 20's and starting to see right from wrong. I went to Spain for the summer and my manager spiked my drink with something and raped me. I know at this point you possibly think this is a joke but unfortunately it is true, I've always thought I deserved that for been with a married man. I had a few flings from there, mostly drunken, then met the first man i mentioned who cheated many times, I think i was 28 at this stage.

I loved all of them, even though all of them were destructive. Since then I've been with 2 other men, they treated me the same so I realise this must be down to me. My dad, whom I love so much died 5 years ago, this totally broke me and I went to see a psychologist who really helped but I left too soon and came to the Middle East.

This weekend coming last year I met a fantastic guy. He is two years older than me. We had immediate chemistry and i feel safe with him. We have had lots of drama. He works in the same career as me and we are in the same company. He was brought over from the UK by someone he worked with 15 years ago who had been (and still is) in love with him. He kept saying we were not together to certain people including the people he shares a villa with who dont like me. Other people he was fine with. He went home for the summer and was gone for 9 weeks because he had an operation. We spoke almost every day on skype.

When he was returning I was to collect him but the people he lives with almost had a heart attack at the mere mention of me even knowing before them he was returning. So I said to him it was best to let them collect him. They also with his boss had conversations laughing saying we were not together. In addition to that they arranged a BBQ at theirs but did not invite me on the night he returned. We spoke about this on skype and I said if you need to go to sort things out with them (like the rent) then go but dont come and see me then leave that will be too upsetting. He agreed with that.

He arrived down to me in the late afternoon but left 2 hours later. I was gutted. I said that he had to tell them we are together. The following weekend his boss, (the one who was/is in love with him) invited him plus the people he lives with around to hers for dinner. He accepted even though I said i wasnt happy.

That night at about 3am (couldnt sleep) I wrote him a letter telling him I couldnt be with him anymore and that he was a coward who lacked strength of character. I didnt hold back and said I would never exclude him from anything etc etc. He came to see me the following day, arrived at my door but had not read the email so he read it with me. He said he didnt think i was so upset and I should have phoned him or made it clearer, he said I dont communicate properly. I think saying 'I am really not happy about you going to XXX's for dinner should be sufficient'.

Anyway since that night things have changed quite a bit, yes we are a couple and I am sometimes being invited to his house, ive stayed the night a few times. But 2 weekends ago he said he was expected for dinner and I wasnt invited. I dont think he should have gone and any time I try to bring up the subject he knocks it down. Neither of us has any money, we both work on commission only. This is not helping the situation. The market here is saturated with cowboys doing our job (financial advisors) and the reputation is so bad I almost hate telling people what I do which doesnt help.

We have never gone out for a meal, just the two of us. We seem to spend all our time with other people, we dont just sit and talk unless we are hung over where we sit and watch television but there is no talk about futures, marriage, children or even moving in together. Everything involves going to a smokey bar and getting drunk or a corporate event and getting drunk because its free. The places we drink in are not nice because we have no money! It is just not good.

He says he loves me but is not 'in love' with me. I am not sure what that means but it sounds like a cop out and that he will walk away when something better comes along.

His said he wanted to marry his ex but she didnt want children so they broke up after being together for 5 years. She is still in his life in that they have dinner together when he goes home. He told me when we first met that she is still in love with him but that while he loves her he is now not in love with her and there is a big difference. He also said that he thinks he might to too old to have children but has also on another occasion said that getting married and having a family is what he wants. That was last January.

I am so confused, what does he want from me. He said in July 'I know what you want, please dont put me under pressure and give me some time'. I am fine with that, but thats it where do we go from here, what is the timeline.

We have an offer to go and work in Malaysia which I believe is an amazing opportunity. The company is willing to give us a relocation package, 3 months rent and a salary until we get established. It is not over run with non qualified advisors and I think we could have a good life there. He is only here 12 months and is anxious about jumping ship so soon. I am here almost 3 years, it is filled with false promises.

They want to take us over to see their set up in a few weeks, he wasnts to go in January.

If I was sure he was looking at the future the same was as me then I would stay here and get a job doing anything so long as it pays the rent until he is ready to make a committment. I said if we move to malaysia then we would be living together (to bring up the subject) and what I got was 'what if we hate each other in 2 months' I said I dont see that happening I think we will fall more in love, his reply was 'could we be any more in love'! So it is all mixed signals.

I am scared that he is not committed enough and if this doesnt work out I have to start afresh somewhere else and that I might miss the opportunity with these guys in Malaysia. Taking marriage and children out of the equation I only have 20 years to save for retirement which is not a long time. I currently have no savings at all so I am scared.

I dont know how to talk to him because I dont want to scare him off if I am being intense and it is too soon.

So we met on december 5th, he went back to the UK, I went o Ireland. We came back to the Middle East in January and so far this year he has already been back in the UK for 3 months of the 11. So technically we are together 8 months.

I wrote on facebook, 'good luck to my fab BF and his friend at the golf', he hid this from his timeline. When I questioned him he said it was because he has clients on there and didnt want them to know his personal business. Why would he care if he cared about me? Also his ex has cancelled their friendship on facebook. She did this when he was back in the UK over the summer too for a couple of weeks. When I questioned him he said he hadent realised she had done it but that cannot be true because he would have needed to accept her new friend request.

I knwo this is all over the place. I am just not sure how a relationship is supposed to work and I would love your advice and timelines on what I should expect or if I should just say. I am going to go to malaysia but then do I walk away from the only man I've ever trusted???? He has said I am only the 3rd woman he has let into his life this way. On a positive note, we laugh so much all the time. It is one of our biggest strengths.

ANSWERS

I appreciate you sharing your deep pains on here. My suggestion is to after what you want and be yourself. I can understand him wanting time. The problem is always when. When is the right time? I think one year of dating and getting know someone is more than enough time to establish likes dislikes and quirks. The next step is to move in together and distill those likes, dislikes, and quirks to see if you can live together harmoniously. Lastly, move forward with marriage. While this is all going on in your personal life, you really have to make efforts to do the things that makes you happy. I think before you can move forward in this relationship or walk away from it, you need to figure out what you want and go after it. Sharing your happiness with a special someone is different than giving attention to them.

From your description and words, you are trying to be a stronger woman for those around you. You have your shortcomings, but I am confident you can overcome them. Concentrate on your stengths and recognize your limitations and weaknesses. For instance, I tend to get angry at things I have no control over. It's a weakness and I know that about myself. To compensate, I try to plan ahead to maximize the things I can control and recognize the things that are out of my hands.

If you want to go to Malaysia because it will bring you happiness and a better work environment, do it for yourself. If you love this man and he loves you, tell him your thoughts and ask what his thoughts and feelings are on your decisions. Who knows when an opportunity like this will come again. Remember that people can never make you happy. You have to be happy with what you do around the people you care about because your state of being affects them. A partner who truly loves you will make it work even if he decides to stay and you decide to go. We all have what is important to us. This includes taking care of yourself versus sacrificing your happiness for someone else's. Happiness is shard, not traded.

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