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Complicated friend with benefits

Published on November 14, 2012 by justmel

4 years ago I met this guy through some mutual friends. Even though he lives 4 hours away from me, I'm always over there because I have a lot of family who live there. We became really close, texted every day, called everyday we were always talking 24/7. Then about 8 months after we met, we became friends with benefits. In fact, I gave him my virginity. Everything was fine but one day I decided to ask him what we were and if we were ever going to be more than we were right now, he responded saying that the distance was an issue. I never asked again. We continued to do what we did except now we were calling each other "boo" he told me he loved me and I did the same. I really fell in love with him though. About 2 years into our friends with benefits things became really awkward and I don't really know why. We talked maybe once a week but when I was over there he acted like nothing was wrong. 4 years later we hardly talk now. Except if I am over there and happen to run into him or he's over here and calls me to hang out. We haven't had sex in over a year and 4 months ago we went out drinking with his brother and cousin and he tried to have sex with me but I told him no because since I've already caught feelings I figured having sex with him would only make things worse. We've started to fight a lot more when before we didn't used to and I've told him I need my space so that I don't embarrass myself or him and he continues to text me and do everything possible to try and keep me in his life even if it is just as 'friends.' I don't know what to do though, I haven't been able to get over him and even though I know he's dated and messed around with other females I haven't been able to do that. I'm just so confused, I would hate to lose the friendship I had with him, throw away 4 years but by the looks of it, it doesn't look we can be friends. Help?

JustMel

ANSWERS

JustMel, He has disrespected your wishes by continuing to text you when you need closure. You need to stop texting back or change your number. He doesn't care about your feelings, and is keeping you on the line for his ego. Cut him loose once and for all. You can cherish the memories of your friendship, but know that male/female friendships at a young age aren't meant to last anyway. Do you really think your future bf would like you staying friends with someone you had an intimate relationship with? Do your parents or adults you know have close friends of the opposite sex who they hang out with alone, or speak with daily? No. Because it would be bad for the relationship. Couples have group friends and everyone gets together, or of course, friends of the same sex.

It's time for you to move on, and you can't do so with this guy reeling you back in every second. For your own sake, totally stop the communication. Always remember that you're in the driver's seat. You tell people when they can get on the bus, and when to get the hell off it. Don't be a doormat. You are in control of your life. You are the prize, and if a guy doesn't meet all of your main needs, quickly cut him loose so you can go for the guy who does. Don't waste so many years of your life on someone who doesn't want the same thing as you. Make a must haves and dealbreakers list, and stick to it. Good luck.

Dear JustMel, This guy has never been your friend and does not want anything more than a physical relationship with you. It is important that you continue to place a high value on yourself and not give into this type of pressure.

The best way to move forward is to stop communicating with him. Block his text messages so you do not give in and go back to that destructive pattern. Please do not consider not being friends with this guy a loss of 4 years. What will be a terrible loss is to let this person back into your life. You must start believing you deserve much more in love and a committed relationship.

This experience has been a valuable lesson and can serve as a gauge of what you do not want in love. The right man will treat you with the respect and dignity you deserve.

Even though it is hard to admit, you're right. He has never been my friend and that hurts because at one point in life I considered him my best friend (before being intimate with him.) I by no means am trying to put all the blame on him because I sure have some part in it. I've allowed him to enter my life for fear of losing him as a person in my life, but I know it's the best thing to do. I guess I just have this "what if" because I never came out to tell him that I had developed feelings. I always assumed he knew by how I acted and the fact that I had given myself to him. Nevertheless at my 23 years of age I am tired of this cycle. I have put my life on hold for him for way too long and I am ready to move on with my life in whatever way that may be. Thank you for taking the time to give me advice on this issue.

You're right. Everything you just said I have told myself over and over again but it's reassuring when somebody else tells me what I've always thought to be right. I know I need to stop all types of communication and after 4 years I am determined to do so. I am tired of this same cycle happening over and over and I hate it more that I have ALLOWED it to continue happening. At 23, I am finally ready to move on. I have to realize that who we once were, we aren't anymore and that's okay but I just cant keep putting myself on hold for someone who doesn't feel the same way I do and doesn't want the same thing I do. Thank you for taking the time to write back to me and advice me on this issue.

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