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Complex triangle relationship, what should I do if he wants to keep us both?

Published on March 5, 2014 by diana_di

Hello,

I really am stuck right now in my life and I have never come to a point where I don't know which decision would bring me peace of mind. I have been dating this guy N for the past nine months.. thing is a month after we were together, he told me he was already engaged. However, when we first got together, he had already broken up with her. But, the girl starting visiting his house in his absence, and he felt guilty about it, and got back to her. When he told me of it, I was so shocked, and I wanted to leave, but I was so blinded by him and the way we complemented each other, that I accepted staying with him on the basis that he would realise that he really shoudn't be with her. They have been together for nearly ten years now..yes..ten years.

Okay, I really feel guilty with what I am doing. But, I really can't explain why I couldn't stop myself. He was then involved a month later in some legal problems, but I never left his side. His fiancée, K, didn't either. My parents found out about my relationship with this guy and they literally threw me out of my house. I was sent to another country to do my Masters. We are from different religions, and my family is quite conservative about it.

The guy visited me two times already, and we lived in for about a month and a half together..and it only made us realise how much this was perfect for us. I feel ashamed about it every single day now, because I don't want to hurt my father anymore. (He literally cried to me by asking me not to stay with that guy).

I have spent the last three months of my life crying every day on how I feel screwed up about my life... especially when being with that guy made me realise he talked the same sweet words with me..as well as with his fiancee. It was always hard for me as I clung on to the belief that he loved only me )which he says to me all the time). However, he told me that in order to be his life partner, I had to agree to three conditions. Firstly, change my religion to his. Second, accept that he would not marry me legally and last and certainly not least, accept his fiancee being his second wife as well.

I am shattered, but I still love him loads. But this only makes me realise that what I was hoping for was wrong, and that he would never take a stand for me as I did back at home. Mind you, his family never knew about the scandal that happened at mine's. Heck, his fiancee doesn't even know about us. And the icing on the cake is the fact that he told me himself that he would never tell his fiancee about us HIMSELF. With his own words, he said, "I can't let her go." You can imagine what I went through.

I tried breaking up with him, but he always behaves like a wounded and scarred person that I crash back into him without thinking. All the odds are against this relationship, yet he keeps talking to me and pulling me back, and I keep going back to him. I always feel like I will be his favourite mistress or something and I am willingly letting myself into this mess. I cannot imagine what would happen if my father came to know I am still with this guy.

I am ruining my life. I need help. I don't want to hurt him or his fiancee or my father. Yet, he just doesn't leave and I can't bring myself to hurt him. I tried pushing him away.. It just doesn't work. PLEASE help me. I've never felt so helpless in my entire life. I have never had to ask for advice before.

A

ANSWERS

Dear diana_di,

You are not helpless. You have admitted over and over again that you are willingly subjecting yourself to this situation. You are making the choice. You have the power to change who and what you allow into your life. You spoke of your father and of this man and his fiance, but you never once mentioned what you want. Do you want to be with this man under these conditions?

It sounds like he gets all the benefits and you get none. To be quite blunt with you, this is a really screwed up situation and I have to question how much you recognize your own value by continuing to participate? Do you really think so little of yourself and your ability to attract a good looking, honorable man of your own belief's that won't take you away from your family and faith?

You are helping him cheat, and she doesn't know that she is sharing her husband. Do you even like sharing your partner with another woman? You have to ask yourself, is this the kind of woman you want to be? She doesn't have all the information about this guy to make the right decision for herself but you do. You know you're playing second fiddle and can choose to make a better decision.

If you know in your heart of hearts this is not what you want, a life with him under these conditions including giving up your faith (is your faith also of such little value to you?) then you need to suck it up and leave. He is not wounded, he is MANIPULATING you. He gets the best of all worlds and you get nothing, why would he want to give that up when he's learned from you that all he has to do is put on a little show and you come right back.

Stop giving in to his games. If you really want to move on, then do it. Make the tough decision to cut all ties and contact with him. Don't leave any open doors for him to communicate or see you, especially if you know it only leads to you being a sucker. Move to a new address, change your phone number, and even ask your family to help you get away from this guy. I'm sure they'd be glad to help intervene.

It's going to be hard but as the band the Fray so accurately said "sometimes the hard thing and the right thing are the same".

Good luck.

I think you're kidding yourself if you think you have no control over this situation. You are making a choice every time you call him, let him visit,etc. Take some time to decide if you want a half-time relationship or one where you are the primary recipient of your partner's affection and energy. If it's the latter, you need to cut all ties with your current guy. You deserve better.

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