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Committed or not?

Published on September 6, 2012 by movingstars

Hello, I'm a female 35 and I've been dating this guy who is 31. We are from different cultures, however, we share a lot in common with regards with other areas in life like family values, political views, etc. Sometimes when dating him, I am puzzled by his behavior. When we plan dates (talking on a Tuesday to plan for the weekend), he sometimes doesn't want to commit to a set date until that date gets closer (won't let me know where things stand till Thurs or Fri for a Sat date). It ends up leaving me feeling like I'm in a standby-mode relationship and that he doesn't put the relationship as a priority in his life. From what he has told me, he seems to set firm advance appts with his family and friends, so I don't know why he treats appts with me differently.

I brought this to his attention that it is important for us to schedule time together and he tells me it's because he doesn't want to disappoint and not be able to keep his promises. We've been going out maybe once a week, and talk on the phone briefly maybe twice a week, with some gaps where we don't see each other for a couple weeks in the 6 mths that we've been together. I've asked whether he has dated multiple people at one time, and from what he's told me, he said he dates one at a time.

Why does he behave this way? Should I bring it up again that it bothers me that he doesn't want to schedule things and prioritize our relationship? I've already mentioned it once to him but he still seems to do the same behavior.

Thanks

ANSWERS

To me, this relationship hasn't progressed an inch since you met. Everyone is different in how they like to date. As for me, when I was dating someone after a period of a few months, and we were exclusive, I would expect that we would speak on the phone at least once a day, and get together at least twice a week. You've been together far longer, and you don't even speak on the phone every day, and sometimes go weeks without seeing each other. I wouldn't be happy with this relationship either. It sounds like he's just not that in to you. Yes, I would suspect that maybe he's also dating someone else.

You communicated your wishes to him, and he hasn't changed. It was a reasonable request that he ignored. He is not valuing you. You don't even say whether or not you two are exclusive. What would I do? Dont' wait aroud for him. Make your plans for the weekend by Tuesday. If he waits until Thursday, tell him you have plans on Friday, even if you don't. Go out with girlfriends, or have your friends over for a movie and bake cookies. Go bowling. Go to the mall.

You are the treasure, If he wants to be a part of your life, then he needs to be worthy of you. Don't settle for someone who doesn't value you. If you are always available to him even when he doesn't ask you out until the last minute, it's giving him the message that you are accepting of his bad behavior and he doesn't need to change. If you already made plans because he waited too long, it will force him to change his behavior if he cares enough about spending time with you.

My feeling is that you need to move on to find someone who makes you feel special everyday because he wants to build a loving life with you. But if you want to mix it up and try the above to see if he steps up to the plate, go ahead. It's worth a try. Good luck and let us know how it goes.

You stated your needs, and he has not made an attempt to meet them. This is your simple answer, really.

If you want to make it more complex, ask yourself all of the reasons why he would put you in standby mode. The only reason I have EVER been on standby mode is when a guy had me as second-choice. I stood waiting by the phone Saturday night after Saturday night until I finally stopped answering his calls. He was dumbfounded. He thought I'd be waiting for him that way forever.
Take care of yourself, find someone that prioritized YOU the way you prioritize HIM. It will only hurt worse the longer you waste...

Alternatively, I really like Safire's suggestions if you need to take a stepped approach. Tell him "I'd like to firm up plans for the weekend with you by Thursday night (clarifying your expectations) If he does not firm up, then make your alternative plans. Do NOT, under ANY circumstances, change your plans at the drop of a dime when/if he calls on Saturday night!! Remind him of your expectations, and tell him you made alternative plans, and that you'd love to plan for next Saturday any time (before next Thursday) I took the chicken way out, I just disappeared. I told him my expectations, and never made alternative plans... And it took me 6 months to "give up." I wish I had a forum like this back then... Maybe tell yourself how many times you are willing to get put in second place before you confirm that you should move on. Then move on after you experience that number... Actually, the more I write, the more I realize thate Safire wrote it most eloquently... Signing off and wishing you luck and peace in your decision...

There is a dangerous habit called "this means that" that many people fall into. From what you write, it sounds like you believe that his behavior (waiting until late in the week to schedule a weekend date) means that he doesn't value you or your relationship.

This may or may not be true. Look at a the bigger picture of his behaviors to see what other reliable information there is as you decide whether or not to stay in the relationship.

If you stay with him, you could have a very honest conversation about his habit of waiting to make plans. As you have, be upfront about what you want without making him wrong and also ask him to help you understand why he is resistant to that. Really listen and work with him to come up with a solution that you both can be okay with.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

Hello,

Thanks for the responses so far. I guess you all are saying what my gut has been telling me all along. I know he's not THE ONE for me, but I just haven't been able to find anyone better yet, so I've sort of stayed in the relationship and not having my needs met. To answer safire's question or whether or not we are exclusive or not, I brought it up once asking generally whether he normally made it explicit with a girl he is dating whether they are exclusive or not, and he just replied that when he's dating someone for an extended period of time, it is merely implied that the two are dating each other only and not anyone else. The other thing that has bothered me about this relationship is that his response time when it comes to communication has been pretty bad. I've had times when I text him and it took him several hours or even several days to respond back! Ugh, I know I deserve better, but again, I just haven't found anyone better to build a relationship with and I'd rather have someone to go out with for now. Maybe it's also because this is the first guy I've ever dated or shared a relationship with, so I'm just afraid I will not find another person who will give me the love I want. To top all this off, on his facebook account, he still lists himself as "single." I guess that tells me all I need to know. The fact that we don't communicate every day has bothered me from the beginning, since I need that connection.

Committed or not: for any relationship if it is not filling your needs right now and you have questions and when asking them do not feel they are truly answering your question to your liking it is truly time to find a new relationship.

You must ask your self several questions.

Why do I waste the time in a relationship that is not filling my needs every day? You may tell your self well when I am with him he makes me feel good. Yes, but what about the times your not with him? Are those moments worth giving up for the brief time that you are together?

It is not wise to think that once you are in a committed relationship that you can change the other person. you can not . The truth is you see what you get right now.

So before you invest to much more time truly choose just for your self. Choose complete happiness . Try to find it in your heart to let him go and find a true match . You are a beautiful woman and yes, there is someone out there that will love you just for you..

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