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Chilling w/ an ex

Published on July 9, 2012 by grape bose

My boyfriend & I have been dating for almost a year. Things have been amazing minus one detail. He dated a friend a long time ago & they did sleep together. His friends boyfriend has no idea that they have shared this intimate relationship putting myself in an akward position. He refuses to give up their friendship to take a chance on our relationship & asks me to hang out with them & do things frequently together. I have let him know this is disrespectful & if the roles were reversed he would ask me to give up this friendship as well or at least let the boyfriend in on the secret. Please help me work this out


When things get this complicated you have to ask yourself, is it really worth it. As the old saying goes, "Love is simple; Love is kind ..." and this situation is neither. When friends share bed-friends past or present, things always get sticky. I wouldn't be thrilled to be in your situation, but if you insist on staying in it than you're right, they have to come clean to the other boyfriend and make him aware of their past relationship. I bet they're not doing it because they know he'd say what I would hope you'd say - "See ya!" Also, I would never ask a boyfriend (or a friend) to make a choice as to who they're going to be friends with, but I would expect that he would naturally not do it because it's making you uncomfortable, in more ways than one. It's not your secret to keep. You could 1) just throw caution to the wind and air your grievances to your boyfriend, his "friend" and her boyfriend - or - 2) you could just decide that you're above all this drama and walk away. The secret will come out on its own. My advice? Choose number 2, then go find another boyfriend among the other 8 billion men on the planet. You could do much better and you will.

I agree with the other poster. So what if she and the guy broke up? Will your bf still do things with her, with or without you? Of course, since he's unwilling to give her up, even though you've expressed your dislike of the friendship.

The dynamics are different between male/female friendships. They are common when people are young and single, but once one of them gets a significant other, that friendship gets put on the back burner, for good reason. I wouldn't date a guy who had a woman as a good friend who he often hung out with. Some people might be okay with that, but not me. I chose my husband because he matches me in all the major ways I like to be in a relationship. I suggest you look for someone who matches you, and you'll be 100 percent happier.

I really understand how uncomfortable you feel in this situation, but if you don't trust this man, you shouldn't be with him. He's with you now, not her. If they wanted to be together, they would be. You don't have to hang out with them if you don't feel comfortable, but being in a mature relationship means that you both can have friends of either sex outside of the relationship. My husband goes to dinner with his exes and I even stay with one of my exes when I go San Francisco. We are two mature adults in a relationship who trust each other. I would feel terrible asking my husband to give up an old friend under any circumstance.

I currently live with one of my exboyfriends, who is very happily married, and my very long term boyfriend. I dated this friend very breifly when me and the old man broke up for a short time. Everyone involved knows, this was before he met his wife and she knows and trusts both of us that we are faithful to our current partners and even if I wasnt staying here to help her with the kids, we would still be friends. There is nothing wrong with staying friends with an ex. This ex is one of my closest friends and I can share anything with him and he can share anything with me and he knows it. Been friends way too long to let our fling years ago interfere with our friendship. My old man would never make me choose between him and my closest friend and his wife would never do that to him. We have an awsome friendship, driven in part because we are in the same line of work, and in part because we have so many things in common.