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Can you be friends with benefits and not develop feelings for them?

Published on May 8, 2009 by lovefool5457

I recently ended a "friends with benefits" relationship with a guy because I could tell that I was growing to really like him the more I slept with him. I felt that he didn't feel the same so I suggested that we stop seeing each other altogether and he said that that was fine if that's what I wanted. At first I felt extremely empowered and happy that I was strong enough to end it before I was in too deep and that I had probably dodged a bullet. However, now I'm feeling a bit depressed about the whole situation because he didn't want me for anything more than sex despite the fact that we got along really well and we were both extremely attracted to each other. Maybe I liked him more than I wanted to believe?

I think I'm the kind of person who can't help but develop feelings for someone I sleep with, especially if it's not just a one time thing. I just wanted to know.... do other women have the same problem. Is it inevitable that we fall for our "friends with benefits"? This was the first time I had such a relationship. Is it best to avoid these situations altogether. Any advice or personal experiences would be helpful!

ANSWERS

As females, we find it more difficult not to develop an emotional bond when we "give ourselves". Even if it's just oral sex. If find someone attractive enough to find passion, that passion is closely tied to our heartstrings.

It sounds like you answered the question for yourself. If you can't develop a FWB relationship with out feelings then that's who you are. I think there are some people out there who can, but you need to work within the realm of who you are. Not who other people are.

I'm sorry to report than much the same thing happened to me. So I took the same course as you and ended the arrangement.

Prior to getting married I was involved with a partner in a similar type of arrangement. The situation lasted 3 painful years. It also leaked into my attempts to have real, lasting and intimate relationships. FWB is a double-edged sword that can be very thrilling but also incredibly damaging if one is not careful.

Unfortunately, not only do you have a predisposiiton to develop feelings for someone you have repeat encounters with (this applies to men as well surprisingly enough) as human nature. You also have chemistry and biology working against you, cherie.

All the chemicals that pass between you and said partner before, during and after intercourse are nature's way of forming bonds to potentially allow for family building. Therefore, it is no surprise that you would develop feelings after repeated exposure to the intoxicating elixir that is a potent combination of pheremones, smell, sight, touch etc. We are wired that way (male AND female).

Some say that men can flip the switch more readily, but they still can't escape the bonds that form with repeated exposure to a single partner. This is why monogamy and partnership are so attractive in the long run. The bond is tighter over time.

I advise women who want to do the FWB relationship to make it extremely short term. I would say no more than a month of involvement with a partner. This way there is no substantial time for the chemicals to make or break you.

I personally can't take the FWB. It is not what makes me happy and I found that out the hard way. So, please don't think that I actively endorse such arrangements as a rule. I simply know that it will happen and does happen. Women (and men) need to be realistic, upfront and safe about their expectations in such relationships. This way everyone gets what they want without a heaping dose of everything they don't.

I hope this works out for you dear. I think you did yourself a favor ending the relationship and moving on.

I am going through the same thing! Except mine lasted 6 years but he still comes back. We stopped having sex all the time and he seems to actually be devoloping feelings but sometimes I do not understand him at all. My advice would be to completely stop and just like the other woman said, "one month's top!"

unless your a brainwashed prostitute, you will develop feelings. sex is a powerful thing. be careful.

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