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Can my ex really change or should I take a chance on something new?

Published on October 22, 2012 by alexiad12

My boyfriend and I were together for almost 6 years, but it just didn't progress into the type of relationship I wanted for my future. I'm a single mom, and I want someone who takes an active role in my son's life, someone who will share responsibilities with me, wants marriage, more kids, etc.

After 6 years, we didn't even live together. My boyfriend still lived at home, still went to school because he couldn't figure out what he wanted to do with his life, grew close with my son but was more the good-time guy than the guy who would be there for the important events in my son's life.

He also treated me like garbage a lot of the time. He lied often, put me down, was always mad at me for some thing or another. Of course we had many good times too, which is why I stayed with him as long as I did.

I finally got tired of the fighting and not moving forward though and I left. I've since met a single dad who has his life together, who wants a future with me and has everything I've wanted in a partner. I really like him and am attracted to him, but I find myself still attached to my ex.

He's now seeing a counsellor, finishing his courses, moving out of his parents' place, trying hard to get his life on track so we can be together. Saying he's serious about changing and treating me right. Everything I've been wanting him to do these past few years.

Now I just feel torn. My ex and I did have something special, despite the many fights we had. We still shared a lot of laughs and understood each other like no one else, not to mention my son grew up with him and loves him. But I worry if I take his word for it and give it another chance and things DON'T change, I'll miss out on the great guy that is standing in front of me right now. The guy who treats me well, has introduced me to his kids, who I am very much into even though I still have this lingering attachment I can't seem to shake.

Can people really change? Or should I take a chance on something new? I'm so scared to make the wrong choice.


Well there goes a saying that says"bad habits die hard" im sorry to say i dont believe habits really do die.What can stop your ex from doing the same things if he gets you back.I feel you should give this new guy a chance.

If i were you, I would keep the new guy.. He's giving you exactly what you need. He's treating you right from the beginning and thats what you need to go with. I commend your ex for finally getting his life on track but he's had 6 years of your time. I think you'll regret it if you throw away this new guy just to get back in your comfort zone with your ex and he messes up again. Don't do it.. The reasons you gave for why you would consider getting back with your ex are all matters of comfort. Give this new guy a try and be happy!

And how many second chances have you given your ex? Six years is plenty of time to show and be the man he really is. I don't think it likely that he will meaningfully change. Meanwhile, you have a new man who is everything good that you ever wanted - go for him and put the ex firmly behind you.

You have the answers inside you. Trust them.

"He also treated me like garbage a lot of the time. He lied often, put me down, was always mad at me for some thing or another."

You wrote that. Do you want your son to have this role model for what it means to be a man? You teach others how to treat you by how you treat yourself and by what you are willing to endure/put up with. Aren't you worth more than that?? I say YES.

"We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us." Joseph Campbell

Thanks for the responses. I'm just kicking myself because I have the guy I've always wanted right in front of me, wanting a future with me (and I can envision a future with him, too) yet part of me still loves my ex. We have a lot of great memories together despite the bad times and those are what stick out in my mind.

There are so many what ifs...what if this really did scare him into changing his ways and I end up throwing away something we spent almost 6 years building? Or what if I give him another chance and he doesn't change, and I miss out on a good thing?

The funny thing is I made a list of what I want in a guy when things were rocky with my ex and my new guy fits what I want to a T. Why, why, why can't I just let go and move on?!