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Can I Trust My Girlfriend?

Published on October 2, 2012 by enigmaman

Hi, I aked a question on this site about a month ago, that recently spawned a major argument between my gf and me. If you want you can read it here: http://www.yourtango.com/question/2012160237/am-i-just-being-jealous-or-something-wrong-here#comment-63700

The short story is, she lied to me and said she was meeting "friends" for a drink. I tagged along and discovered it was only one guy. At the end of the night all 3 of us ended up at her place. The guy was supposed to be crashing on her couch. She dropped hints for me to leave. I didn't and privately confronted her about the way she was acting. She said it was because her friend has "personal problems" he wanted to talk about. I believed her but then a few weeks later she also told me this guy asked her out a few years ago, but she said he never dated him. At that time I told her I am not going to put up with any dishonesty between us.

This incident still bothered me so a few days ago I went through her phone. I am not proud of what I did but I have had very bad relationships in the past due to dishonesty on the girl's part and I let my fear get the better of me. We had a huge fight about the things I found, and she agreed to do what it takes to start fresh and rebuild my trust in her, but I am not sure what I should do. I need advice badly.

I found things such as:

She had profiles for 2 dating sites (one that we met on). Both did not show any recent activity when I logged into them. She says she opened these before or shortly after our first date and never bothered to close them.

Her old roommate/best girlfriend scolded her when she told her about that night where the guy crashed on her couch. She referred to this guy as my gf's "ex". The roommate said "if he didn't tell his current girfriend he was going to meet you then he's an ass!" My gf's response to this is that the guy asked her out a few years ago but she didn't date him. But since they were classmates and hung out her roommate considers him to be her ex.

She lied to me about where she lived for the first 4 months we dated. She is finishing university and when I met her lived in a crappy student residence townhouse. We always stayed at my apartment, never her place. We met outside "her place" a couple times to go cycling and she gave me the address of a different building and said she lived there. I even pointed up to the building and asked which floor she lived on, if she have a nice view, etc, and she kept up with the lie.

A friend of hers has been asking her to be friends with benefits with him since before we started dating. He periodically texts her and asks her what she's doing, is she off work yet, will she **** him yet, etc. They appeared to have a very sexual tone to their friendship. She would complain about her previous boyfriend to him, about how he wouldn't do enough foreplay. He would complain to her about how he never gets laid, how is always horny in the morning, etc. We have been dating for about 6 months, seriously for the past 3. Up until about 2 months ago, this guy would ask her if she was still single and she would say yes. She met him about 3 months into our relationship to look at a car she wanted to buy (he came to make sure it was a good deal, since she knows nothing about cars). When he agreed to meet her to look at the car, she texted him "don't worry I'm not dating anyone". She says it's the only time she meet up with him and and after looking at the car they parted ways. The dynamic of their texts was they would make small talk and then he would work her to screw him. For example when she asked about help buying a car, she said she would buy him dinner as a thank you but he would say she could pay him back in sex. Or she would tell him she was moving and was going to buy friends beer to help her move, and he would say he doesn't drink beer but would accept sex instead. Sometimes she would egg him on and he would say stuff like she was making him hard.

Obviously all that stuff makes me very suspicious she screwed this guy behind my back. However I found one very recent text from him where she teased him about having a small penis and he replied something like "Grrr...How do you know? you haven't even seen it".

So I am confident she never actually slept with him. However I am still very suspicious and it bothers me a lot that she is leaving something out. I think she could have fooled around with him but they just didn't go so far as sex yet. I also feel just the fact she continued that type of messaging with this guy after we started dating is wrong and too much for me to deal with. I facebooked this guy and told him I have no beef with him since she told him she was single, but I just want him to tell me if she ever went to his place or if they fooled around in the past year, so I can know if I can trust her or not. He didn't answer me, not surprisingly.

She dropped him from her facebook before that and and deleted his number from her phone to make me feel better and to get our relationship back to normal. She also deleted the dating accounts and the email account she used to sign up to them with. She has been extremely supportive the last few days since I have been very stressed and anxious about all this stuff. She says she cares about me and wants this relationship to work. She says she just made bad decisions early when we were dating and wants to clean the slate and move forward and make it work.

I feel like I am being an asshole by always allowing suspicious thoughts to creep into my head now. And I question her about stuff and it makes her feel bad and kills the trust and connection in our relationship. I want to suck it up and get back to normal. But the fact my gf lied to me about where she lived for so long and all that other stuff makes me feel like a fool and like I can't respect myself if I keep dating her.

What should I do?

ANSWERS

Also I should mention I read the texts between her and that friend who stayed on her couch that night. He texted her saying he was in town and if she wanted to meet up for a drink. However there was absolutely nothing about him wanting to get advice from her about "personal problems" or anything like that, at any time before or after that night. So I strongly suspect she lied to me about that too.

Not to minimize how wrong you were to go through her phone, but I think you should dump her already. You've only been dating her for six months and she's already lied to you numerous times. The trust is gone, and unless she's a really, REALLY extraordinary person I can't see her being worth all the angst it would involve to try to regain that trust and build a healthy relationship between the two of you. Time to move on.

Ditch her. Even if she's not INTENTIONALLY doing anything wrong, her idea of where to set boundaries is obviously very different from yours (e.g. what normal woman in an exclusive relationship DOESN'T immediately shut down someone else who pesters her to be a FWB?!?).

She may simply be a real free spirit. However, you have made clear to her that her behavior (behavior which most people would agree is inappropriate and crosses the line) makes you uncomfortable. If that's just who she is, then you two are simply incompatible - you will always be uncomfortable with her behavior, and (having caught her in some deceptions) will never trust her. She may be great for somebody, but that somebody isn't you. End things with her and find a girl who's personality and sense of boundaries is more compatible with your own.

That is probably also the best way to break up with her. Dating is (by definition) a trial-and-error process to match up with someone with whom you are compatible and can have a long-term relationship or marriage. You are not accusing her of being a bad person - you're sure she's perfect for some lucky guy out there; just not you. You've come to realize that you and she aren't a compatible match - you wish her happiness, but you need to end this and move on.

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