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Can this change into a relationship?

Published on September 9, 2012 by jessicarabbittjax

When I met Daryll he knew I was interested in a LTR. We started dating and everything was great. After a while we started having great sex. Then we had a big fight...We did not talk for a couple of days. Then he told me he had been sexually assaulted as a boy, the two ex wives had severe problems. The first was commited to an institution. The second was obssesed with sex - he divorced her two years ago. He cannot deal with fights (any discussion is a fight in his book). He told me he started seeing a psychology and he hopes he will get better and eventually be ready for a relationship, but that meanwhile he could only be my FWB.


It sounds like he's being honest and upfront with you. There is not a guarantee that this will change into a long-term relationship. Now it's your turn to be very honest-- first with yourself and then with him.

Can you genuinely be okay with a FWB relationship?

If not, maybe you would be willing to be platonic friends with him or maybe you need to put distance between the two of you. If, after some time working on his own healing he is ready for a committed relationship he could contact you and, if you are still interested, then you two could see what happens. If you think you can be genuinely okay with a FWB relationship, be sure to create agreements about what that means to both of you-- this can prevent problems.

Best Wishes, Susie and Otto

So... he's too immature for a normal give-and-take relationship, and he blames it all on his past. Blaming things on your past is code for "I'm never going to change, so if you choose to stick around, I'm going to be mean and immature and you cannot complain."

Is this what you really want?

Women cannot fix men.

Forgot to say...since then he has been texting me, constant communication. Yesterday he showed up with some medication I desperately needed. He even loaned me some money to pay some bills (I am looking for a job right now). How come somebody who cannot be in a regular relationship can behave like that? I do not understand.

Well, actually what you describe is a typical abuse cycle.

  1. Honeymoon phase - These are the tender times that keep you in the relationship. He's attentive, giving and caring.
  2. Agitation phase - You can feel the tension rising.
  3. Lash out phase - Violence, rejection, verbal and emotional abuse.

These relationships don't improve. Year after year it get worse. The abuser tries to undermine the self-esteem or the other person. Damaged men know they have to put a little energy into the relationship just to get you and keep you hooked. But underneath it, they want you to feel weak and powerless to leave.

Eventually, if you marry him or live with him, the honeymoon phase will shorten and finally disappear. Then it is a life of agitation and violence.

Sorry. Trying hard doesn't work. You cannot fix him. You love is not powerful enough to solve his pain.

He needs to go to someone who is an expert on doing core emotional work. It really cannot be done in a romantic relationship.