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Breaking up?

Published on July 6, 2010 by cherry_lo

I'm a mess. I feel so lost at the moment. I'm in university and my year has just ended. It has been a terrible year for me and it's a long story to explain.

My boyfriend and I met at our final year of high school. It was at the end ball where we got together. We had a crush on each other for a long time, but were both too shy. He was going to study abroad and I stayed. For a year it was a longdistance relationship. But I was able to visit him as often as I could. We saw each other maybe twice a month and called every day. We were so much in love, but I missed him too. I couldn't stand to be without him.

And so, I moved to where he was and started studying there. He, however, switched to a university in another town about an hour away. He wasn't happy were he was first and feels more in place now. I wasn't too happy, but in a way it was good because it kept some distance.

But it was tough and my university. I had to work extra hard, more than I'd usually do and still get only average grades, unlike what I am used to. My teachers always told me I was smart enough for it, but I had difficulty adapting to the system. At the same time I had to partially provide my own income. I did have a scholarship, but it was not enough to cover all like food. So I work at a catering service at the side. I lived in a dormitory with 12 other people. My room was terribly lonesome and I just couldn't make myself feel at home there. So most of the time I lived at his place, a private room just big enough for two but in once big room. In there the only thing that was really mine was a drawer in one of his closets. I did feel more at home there though, but rarely had any privacy.

In the meantime we had several unsuccessful attempts to have sex. As it later turned out I had vaginismus, for which I'm starting therapy now.

In December one big bomb dropped. My boyfriend has gone out partying with his friends and gotten himself drunk and kissed another girl. I forgave him, because he at least told me the truth but somewhere deep down I still feel a grudge for it.

I can say with certainty that after that out relationship went downhill. My trust was crushed and he gradually became more unattractive to me. We went out very little mostly because he never had enough money. He spend most of it on his CD collection and concerts. I am usually the one paying (either entirely or we split bills) and the one suggesting we should do something. I can count the gifts I received from him over the course of two years on one hand. If he bought me something it was some candy I didn't want to eat because I was on a diet. Further more his grades were poor. He studies languages, two which are his native. You can say that he was a bit of a loser with no backbone.

We have had many talks after that. On how to fix our relationship. He always knows just the right things to say. He promised me already twice that he'd change. But I never see it. At the most he keeps it up for a week or so. Recently we had a talk again and he promised me again that he'd change and that everything would be better next schoolyear. When we're both in separate places we'd value each others company more. There is some truth in there.

I have struggled over so many things during this year. I worked hard for my salary, I worked hard for my grades and passed my year, I worked hard to get the best I could out of my relationship with him.

I feel, that all the efforts put in have only been my initiative. I feel neglected and undervalued. Yes he does tell me he loves me, sometimes too often to my liking. He always tell me how I am his dream woman and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. I do share his dream. I love to picture myself graduated and living with him with children. I know he'd be a great father. I just don't know how I'll manage through those years in between.

Additional I have developed strong feelings for a coworker at the catering company. We don't see each other very often, but when I do I notice I am shining. I smile so often, I'm so cheerful and love talking to him (and everyone else). Always when he's there work has been so pleasant to do. But he has a girlfriend. I don't know how long they are together. I vaguely remember him telling me when we first met, and before I had feelings for him, that he didn't have anyone.

I have summer break now. I have finally found a small apartment where I feel home and where everything is mine (I moved out everything all by myself without a car, because my guy couldn't help me out. He had gone to a rockfestival and didn't have any money left for a train ticket). My next year will be more easy regarding classes and will put less stress on me. But there's still the promise my boyfriend made. That next year our relationship will be better. That then my therapy will pay off and we can take it into the next level. That he will get a job and be more independent. That I'd be able to rely on him for more things and not only carrying my groceries etc.

But I'm tired of all this. I don't have the feeling he is going to make up what he's been promising. Already him getting a job he makes it sound like a horribly difficult thing. On top of that I can't picture ever having sex with him. I dislike kissing him and getting kissed by him.

I feel like everything we has died out completely and the only thing that's left are happy memories of our blossoming love of that one night we got together. We live in the past and in the future, but not in the present.

I don't know whether I want to go on with this. I don't know whether I have already given him enough chances to make it up with me. I don't know whether I've already made enough sacrifices and that it's his turn now. I don't know if he's worth giving another chance. I don't know if I should. Should I?

I'm terribly sorry for this long and chaotic message. But this is pretty much how it goes on in my head. Chaos, confusion, sadness, anger and heartbreak.

Please save me before I drown.

ANSWERS

I am so sorry to hear about your situation. First of all, I think you are too young to have made so much sacrifice for someone. He sounds very immature. He makes a lot of promises that I do not think he will follow through. I think deep down inside you know this. You sound like a smart girl and you should move on. What you think it is important now will not be tomorrow. Trust me :) Someone once told me, you are walking toward your journey of life and you are not yet at your destination. You may get lots of distraction in life,it is up to you to get back on track. God has a plan for you. He knows you before you ever came along. You are doing well. Keep up the good work, if your boyfriend will keep his promise then maybe you will see where the relationship will go. Don't wait for him. Time waits for no one. He does seem to be worthy of your love. Relationship is build on trust, he already messed up the foundation. You moved to be with him and he cheated on him. Loser....you are better off without him. Good luck !

@justducking1: I'm sorry to say but your answer isn't exactly helpful. You're telling me two contradicting things: to wait and not to wait.

It sounds like you invested a whole lot into this relationship already. You moved to another town just to be closer to him. You visited him while he was studying abroad. You made a considerable effort in making the long-distance relationship work, while he has just been doing whatever he likes. When you moved to a new college, he moved to another one. I think you would be better off without him. Reading this, I feel you have made every attempt possible to make this relationship work, and it just hasn't resulted in anything positive. Things are not progressing or changing for the better. Your boyfriend says he will change, but hasn't. He doesn't have a job, and how do you know he will ever get his act together? Well, the answer is you don't. You don't know what things will be like after graduation, and while it's perfectly natural for you to idealize everything in your mind, you just don't know how things will turn out in real life.

Plus, he did technically cheat on you, even though he was honest. If you can't trust him after that incident, then clearly, this relationship should have ended quite awhile ago. Try meeting new people. Open your mind to new possibilities. I would recommend getting rid of the old and moving on with the new.

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