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Breaking up with my BF...again

Published on March 20, 2013 by cafelover

So, here's the deal, I am a 30 year old F. My bf- I will call him John- (40 year old M) and I have quite a rocky history. We dated for 8 months and sex was good although sometimes he couldn't maintain an erection, especially early on. I found gay porn on his computer, which kinda freaked me out. This led to a really painful break up in which I immediately started dating another guy and ended up breaking both of their hearts because I realized the new guy was a rebound. I felt really bad and realize my actions were not ok. During 6 months, we didn't communicate, but I missed John terribly and do care for him a lot, so we started things back up in January. He has been having ED constantly though. I have encouraged him to see a dr. but he hasn't been to quick to try and remedy the situation. Also, he's gained some weight, and I find I'm not as attracted to him physically. I feel like our sex life is pretty vanilla, even when he does get hard, and I worry that I am not going to be sexually fulfilled. I feel like an idiot though because I have already future talked so much with John- told him how great it would be to have a family together, to travel, spend our lives with each other. I know he loves me and I know he wants to have a future with me. But now, I am feeling resentful that he's not even taking initiative to work on his ED and worried that even if his ED is corrected, that we don't have the really good sexual chemistry I would like...In some ways, I am already backing out of the relationship but don't want to do that to him. I don't want to hurt him, but I need him to understand that I love and care about him but we may not be sexually compatible. I'm worried he'll get angry, turn on me, turn his friends on me, etc. Help!


It's not cruel to end a relationship that has no long-term potential because of sexual incompatibility (and a marriage doesn't have a chance of long-term success if one of you is left sexually frustrated). In the long run, you're saving each of you time and heartache - why waste time and effort if you two just aren't a good match sexually?

A man should begin having complete annual physicals anyway, so your boyfriend should be seeing his doctor (annual physicals are covered by most insurance plans). It should include blood and urine testing, a prostate exam (oh joy!), EKG, blood pressure, and a question and answer session and review of current medications and supplements with the doctor. All told, the doctor will porbably spend about 20 minutes with him. It sounds like he's overweight and needs to get in shape anyway just for his own good health. There is a huge epidemic of Type 2 diabetes in the U.S. and it is almost entirely due to poor lifestyle - being overweight, not getting enough exercise, and not following a healthy diet plan. One of the common side effects of diabetes is ED.

I will not lie to you - the combination of ED with you, plus the discovery of the gay porn does suggest the possibility that he is gay, and trying to deny it or cover it up by his relationship with you. You two need to have some serious and frank discussions.

Thank you, Tan, for your thoughtful response.

I think my fear is that a. either I will give up to quickly and not give our sex life a chance to get better and end up causing both of us a lot of pain or that b. I will ask him to make all of these changes and then decide that I still am not satisfied with our sex life. This indecision has been causing me a lot of stress...