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Boyfriend of 8 months ignoring me after a fight

Published on May 20, 2013 by katie157

My boyfriend of 8 months is completely ignoring me. It's been 5 days with no contact.

We got into a stupid fight about him always wanting to do things on his schedule and him being inconsiderate towards me. I was trying to have a conversation but he blew up, got really defensive, and went on the attack. I asked if we could cool down and talk about it and he told me to get out of the car (we were in front of my building), and he'd cool down alone. He text me an hour later asking if I'd be OK getting to bed? (I guess that meant if I was ok). I text back "yes" and left it at that (meaning I'm OK, not a big deal). I didn't hear from him the next day and decided not to reach out since he needed time to cool off. The following day I sent a short funny email saying I hate fighting about something so stupid. Heard nothing back. I let another day pass, then text him saying I'm sorry and I miss you. Nothing. I called and he didn't pick up, so I left a message saying I haven't heard from you so I wanted to make sure you're OK, please call or shoot me a text. Nothing.

Our fight happened Wednesday night, it's now Monday. We've never gone this long without talking. I'm of course, panicking and thinking he's done. I know I need to not contact him anymore and leave him be.

How long should I wait before assuming we're done and this is his way of breaking up with me? Should I contact him again in a week or so?

We've been getting along better than ever recently. Just last week he told me I'm not just his girlfriend, I'm his future and he's the luckiest guy in the world. I can't believe he'd walk away from me over one fight but he's stubborn and hates conflict. We're 28 and 31 if that matters.

Help! :)

ANSWERS

Dear Katie, I understand as a woman and a coach why no contact since Wednesday sends you into a panic. I hear that you’ve never gone this long without talking and how concerned this makes you. And I’m so proud you realize you need to stop contacting him (even though I know you really want to) and let him cool down.

I’d like to suggest a possibility from each of your points of view. It can be very helpful to understand how the other person might be thinking differently then we first imagined.

Things from your point of view - I hear that you’re mad because it seems to you everything is done on his schedule and feels like he‘s being very inconsiderate. And it sounds like you’d finally had enough of it being this way. And being upset because you don’t feel your schedule is taken into consideration is very understandable. You don’t feel he cares about your feelings.

Things from his point of view – All Good Men want to make the woman in their life happy. (He sounds like a good man. If he’s not then we need to have a very different discussion.) And as a Good Man the actions he takes will be what he thinks are the best ones to make you happy. He’s upset because he believes you don’t think he’s smart enough to make up a good schedule.

Continued in second post

Remainder of my answer Now you probably don’t think he can’t make up a good schedule (remember I was talking from his ‘point of view’ and it seems like he does care about you (from the words he has said in the past and he texted on Wednesday night to make sure you were okay).

Many arguments begin because we don’t know Good Men want to make us happy and we assume when their actions make us unhappy that they’re behaving badly. But, what if he actually wasn’t behaving badly? What if he didn’t understand that his schedule made you unhappy? What if he didn’t understand what would make you happy?

If we carry this thought farther along and we assume he was doing his best to make you happy. You can imagine how upsetting it would be for him when you get mad and tell him how inconsiderate he’s being (when he thought he was doing the right thing).

This type of misunderstand happens all the time between men and women. And there are truly a couple of things that will help.

First, I’m curious about a couple of things. 1. Have you clearly told him about your scheduling preferences? 2. Is his schedule available to accommodate your preferences? 3. Did you have an agreement about how to manage your schedules in an equal manner?

Often we leave things to happen organically. (wiki: Pertaining to a potential relationship/romance: to let it happen organically means to go with the flow of how things are in their current state.)

Just letting things flow definitely has a place in a relationship. And when it comes to important boundaries for each of you it’s important to take action and discuss the issue.

Something that would work for this particular problem is discussed and agreed on a schedule that worked for both of you. Then if one of your schedules started taking over each of you would have that agreement to go back to so you could get back on schedule.

Learning how to create this type of agreement gives each of you the chance to express your needs and wants and to strike a compromise that works for both of you.

Please let me know if you think learning how to create this type of agreement would help you feel more cared about and able to get your needs met. It would be my pleasure to help you with this. All the best, Coach Christine

I am not going to ASSUME what happened, but based on what LITTLE information you gave i can offer a plausible explanation based on certain "keywords" you used. I am a man so we guys have a totally different skill set than women in communication "What we thinking we hear and what your actually saying." the keywords "defensive and went on the Attack" and he actually kicked you out of his car from a males perspective is very telling. I will be blunt here: Seems like you over-stepped your boundaries and if you remember Chris Brown and Rihanna's fight in the car it started with a verbal agreement and like Rihanna many women think they can hold a man hostage while he is driving and can unload and unleash any dialogue they want at this inopportune moment without any regard to whether it is the right timing. women don't like to hear a man say "Can we discuss this later" which is a very direct statement saying let me get back to you later. The fact that the guy became defensive when you discussed what you "FEEL" is inconsiderate concerning a schedule conflict appears to be just what you feel and you didn't expect or factor in he would have a different point of view. This is a piece of wisdom I learned that I can share with you; You may think your right and whether you are or not has alot to do with 1) Your timing 2) Your presentation 3) whether you sent a "I count-You count" message without blaming the other person. Being right don't mean anything if it is poorly communicated and then you suffocated the man's space in his car and then you play like the victim after you decided your no longer in control once you got it off your chest...I would leave him alone and let him stew because at this point you both have two different set of Problem Solving Skills and for future reference I think all women should ask men if they are comfortable hearing you critique or give him feedback concerning his scheduling(you left out basic information so its too ambiguous to ascertain) what the issue is. Your apology means if he kicked you out of his car because obviously your timing seemed way off mark. There is this saying I use when trying to have a dialogue when i have to use Assertive clarification when confronting a problem between anyone and it is " Say what you mean, and mean what you say, but DON"T SAY IT MEAN!" sometimes our tone can be condescending hen giving feedback so coupled with wrong timing can cause this backlash. He will come around when he feels the need to, just let him talk and if he did find any of the feedback useful and helpful it will process if he wants to continue the relationship. If not then you have to accept that you can't FORCE him to acknowledge you whenever you want to. Time heals all situations if its worth healing.

Him kicking you out the car is a bad sign. The only caveat is that you were in front of your building but for a man to kick a woman out of a car is when he's really miffed

No contact for 5 days also not good.

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