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Boyfriend is possibly bi or gay

Published on November 1, 2013 by skire87

I absolutely love my boyfriend we live together and have been talking more and more about marriage. There are things in our past that I struggle with still, usually more so around the time of my period. In the past I had found out he had hit up the girl he was dating before me, talking about how hot their sex was and asking her if she wanted to meet up. She blew him off I still am not sure if he would have followed through with it if the offer was there, he states that he never would have gone through with it. I also found out he was really into porn, to the point he was going on sites and commenting on how amazing all of these different women look. I have struggled with self-esteem issues for most of my life and really struggle that he felt he needed this extra stimulation when he tells me our sex is the most intense and best he has ever had. He has since I found out completely stopped looking at all of the sites and has given me access to his facebook in order to help me feel more secure in the relationship. I know so far this sounds very much like he is definitely a straight male with a high sexual appetite. However, I have snooped further into his past pre-me and found she-male porn as well. At first I was extremely shocked and figured it was a joke between him and his friends, I did ask him about it though. At first he didn't seem willing to talk about it, but then in the same night he confessed that he really liked to look at it before and that it really turned him on. He said he doesn't look at it anymore but also confessed to me that when he was a teenager he experimented with gay sex and said he didn't like it, that it is in the past and he isn't sexually attracted to males. The reason I am nervous is because I'm afraid he is just hiding his feelings and really is into guys and covering it up. I also found in his email pre-me responses to craigslist m4m adds where he had sent nude pics to guys asking if they wanted to hook up and stating things like your dick looks tasty. These emails were pre-me but they were back in 2011. He is 32 right now so it is obvious interest after his teenage exploration. Whenever I try to talk to him and ask him about him possibly liking guys he gets really upset with me and says he never should have told me about it. I'm not sure what to do I really love him and we make each other really happy, I'm just afraid we will get married live a happy life and down the road he will confess he is really gay and I'm just not what he wants.

ANSWERS

To struggle with such a concern about a potential marital partner is understandable. If it is in his past, whether in his teenage years or even a little after that, it is still the past. One important aspect of a secure, loving relationships is the ability to show acceptance of one's past. He may have experimented with homosexual activity, but for whatever reason he says he is no longer interested and there is no evidence to suggest he is currently engaging in such behavior or interests now. It is not fair to hold his past, especially his past before you, against him.

It also isn't healthy to be digging into a partner's past that took place before you came along. Unless it's something like a love child, criminal activity or loads of debt, things like old emails to dates or partners, love letters, and details of sexual exploration really belong in the privacy of your partner's past. What you should be doing is having open and honest conversations about your lives, and showing unconditional acceptance and trust for your mate. One of the biggest enemies in trust is judgment about a partner's past. He may have hidden this part of his past because he regrets it, or thinks you won't love him because of it, and digging around may only amplify those feelings.

It is clear that there was an injury to the trust in the relationship when he sought sexual activity and porn outside of the two of you. This is what you should be focusing on. Obviously it is this injury that is causing you to feel the need to dig around in his past. He is doing what any therapist would recommend to build trust by sharing his passwords and facebook account. He is being accountable to you. The next step in building trust is in you. You have to give up the hunt and actively remind yourself that he is being open and honest and not hiding anything anymore. You have no right to dig around in private emails that took place long before you were ever in the picture and you are only hurting yourself.

I understand you are trying to limit the impact of danger on you by trying to forecast the future, but the point is, you will never know. All you can do is either choose to trust him, or not. You can not control another person or how they may change their mind 20 years down the road. All you can do is base your relationship on reality, what is happening in the now. It's a risk for everyone. He has told you where he stands now and his behavior is supporting that.

I would recommend you see a couples counselor to work on these trust issues before you get married. They will only continue to eat away at your relationship down the line and better to resolve it BEFORE tying the knot.

Good luck.

-YourTango Expert

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