YOUR VOTE0 0
Boyfriend feels extremely insecure with life
Hi all, the problem is that my boyfriend is feeling quite insecure in our relationship and with relationships in general. He never had one before, due to long illness when he was between 18 and 24. He is now 27 and I am close to 28. Due to his illness he missed out a lot of dating experience and feels now often pressured, due to lack of experience. One example: we started casual dating last summer, and after 2-3 days of dating he felt the pressure that we become girlfriend/boyfriend, since he always felt he is missing something in his life during his illness. So he asked me, we got together, but 2 days later he took it back as it was too fast for him. To some extent I understood this as it felt also a bit fast for me, but I would have though beforehand about if it is fine to get together or not. After about on month, in which I lived my life back in my country, we came together again. I was moving back to his city for a 6 month internship. Later I got to know that he was dating two younger girls in this time frame, both about 20. He told me that he felt he has to try younger girls, as he never dated some in this age and felt I was too old for him. After this experience he realized they were too young for him and he is actually already further in his life. And that it is not a matter how old people are rather how much it fits. Similar things happened last autumn (just a few months after we got together again): first everything was perfect, it even felt he lost his insecurities, before he got strange again: out of no reason (as said it was running just perfect) he came up with problems, like: he feels we are fighting too little and are just too harmonical. He felt that our relationship needs more tension, similar to what he experienced with his parents. In fact, we never fought until this point as we have similar interests and just come along great. The relationship got into trouble again, nearly broke. But we managed it after a few weeks of up and downs again, as he and me realized once again how much we love each other. Around Xmas last year next down in our relationship: I got to know that he has still his online-dating profile on, which the status “single” and actively login in to it. He denied to use it, but later he really stated that he possible kept open some options (he also got to know the two young girls mentioned before). Again I asked myself how serious he is. Spring this year: I moved back to my country to finish my degree (=distance relationship right now). Troubles started due to missing each other and due to different timelines. He does not know what he wants out of life while I know it quite exact: I want to have a family in a time range of 5 years from now, he is more the type of like 5-10 years. The reason for that is also that he is just in his Bachelor studies (again due to his illness before) and I am close to finish my doctoral degree. I cannot really imagine moving back to him and a city I don’t like that much when things are not too serious and does not know what he wants. Now in summer I decided to give it a try and move to his city in autumn when I finish my studies. But after telling him this, he was not excited, rather scared. Build up a boarder between us again as he would rather like to keep the distance. He feels pressured that I go to his city; even I don't like it a lot. Additional he feels like he needs to give me something back in advance, something like getting engaged sooner or later etc. This would be a too big step of our relationship he says. Note that I never asked for balancing my efforts. The only feeling that I keep to myself is that I think one should have the right intention in a relationship. I always believe from the beginning of dating that this could potentially lead to something more. Am I wrong? Should not that be what a serious, not-fun-only, relationship is about? Help! How to take away all his insecurities? Honestly, I am not pressuring him about future or any commitment. Not more than other normal couples would do. I am really confused! What is wrong with him? Will there be ever the chance that he knows what he wants? Should I move or not? I really love him… but feel also the risk that we sooner or later split up due to our different relationship-experience-level Thank you for any advance, lena :)
Already Tried: give it some time, talk with him on regularly basis, ensure that he knows I love him and trust him etc.