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Baby Daddy Advice Needed.

Published on November 9, 2012 by cillajane

Hello, I met this guy almost 6 years ago, he was a divorcee and father of 3, and had just broken up with another girlfriend, he's 7 years older than me, I fell in love with him and he was my first everything, I was 22. But later on that year I found out he was still seeing his then at the time ex-girlfriend, I was devastated, but he said he loved me and didn't want to lose me, so I, also loving him, forgave him. Soon after they were completely over and done with for good anyway. By the next year I got pregnant and decided to have our baby, because I loved him so much. But at 7 months pregnant, I got suspicious about him seeing someone else, and so I ended it. We didn't communicate for like a month, I finally decided that I missed him too much, and contacted him. He was quick to respond. Said he still loved me. But soon after told me there was someone he'd been sleeping with. I forgave him, again. Assumed he'd soon end it with her, but I became paranoid, and couldn't trust him, so by the next month, right before having my baby I ended it again. And again, we didn't communicate; until I had the baby, I let him know our son was healthy and that he had been born on his birthday! He came to the hospital to meet him and signed his birth certificate. I embraced this as hope. He would come spend time with our son, tell me he missed me, and even brought 2 of his kids to meet our son. I would tell him that I missed him, and still loved him too. But by our son's 3 months, he told me that that girl he was sleeping with was now his girlfriend. I was again devastated. A couple of months went by and I would drop our son off to him for a couple of hours, everything was cool. Till one day he calls and tells me he needs me to pick up the baby early, come to find out, she didn't even know he had a 4th child, and that she didn't like the fact we had a child. I let him take care of that of course. But through all this he and I never stopped being intimate, so it was like he was still with me, but living with her, as he was jobless and needed her to house him and such. By our son's 11 months, I couldn't stand his two faced ass always talking about how he loved me, but needed her for financial support... so I emailed her and told her that he'd still been with me their whole relationship. That he's not as honest as he pretends to be. That he really just needs her money. He was furious, but still wanted to see me, so I came over without our baby, we had sex but argued too much as he was worried he'd become homeless, and he can't live with me because I live with my parents who would only allow him to stay a few weeks at most. I walked away and we didn't communicate for like two months. After our son's 1st birthday, he started calling and texting me. I didn't respond for a long time, as I needed time to think. When I finally spoke with him again, he said the same things, he loved me, he missed me, he still thinks of me and our son. I told him I did too, but that he was driving me crazy in bad way. He was still with that girl, but kept saying how unhappy he was, but couldn't leave her because he didn't have anywhere to go. We soon became intimate again. I love him so much, and I thought he loved me. He's see our son, and have dates with me. But she was still the "girlfriend" so I became a secret, even though I was with him first. But whole year, we were back and forth. Sometime between the breakups, we just saw and spoke to each other a bit less. By the year after, she became pregnant. I found out thru pictures, before he finally told me. Again, he didn't want to lose me, he loved me. He said he didn't even want to have more kids. I was again devastated, but forgave him. We kept on being lovers. Till he slowed us down, calling only a couple times a month, I barely heard from him anymore. I felt abandoned. I emailed him and told him that if he didn't care anymore he should just say so. But it only angered him, and he'd call asking me to please relax, and stay cool. That he still didn't want to lose me. Soon after their son was born, we really didn't see each other or even talk much. I was hurt because it was like our son didn't exist anymore. But I stayed cool. I even had a new boyfriend for a while. Kept my life going. Thinking I probably wouldn't be hearing from him again. But by this July '12 he was calling me, in agony with how unhappy he was, that he wanted to see me, that he missed me. That he wanted to leave her but couldn't cause of not having anywhere to go. That he was working and all now, but finding own place was hard, and that he'd told her to go back to where she came from, which is out of state. I displeased with his phone call, acted indifferent and told him he made those choices, and I couldn't understand him. I said sorry and hung up. Next month, in a calmer tone, he called asking to see me again, he missed me. I still loved him, and missed him too, but I said "Sorry, but NO". By September he was calling again, missing me. I found out thru his mom that his girl had taken their son out of state to spend time with her family. He keep calling almost daily, randomly to talk about like friends, and to ask me out. I kept saying NO. But by October '12, I wanted to see him too, and had been forcing myself not too. I finally did, he invited me over to his place, I came spent some time with him, we had passionate sex, and it was like we'd never stopped. But this time there were no I love you's from either of us. Just casual conversations about how we were doing. I'm still happy I took the chance to see him. He did say he'd missed me a lot. I told him I did to. I left and went home happy. From then on up to today, he's still calling to see me. He wants to keep seeing me. I've been giving him silly excuses, and just forcing myself to keep a distance. But I don't know what to do anymore. I love him deeply, and given the chance I'd still be with him forever, and he knows that. Every time he calls, I want to run to him, but I can't keep going on like this. His girlfriend is still out of state with their son, so I know that’s part of why he’s calling so much, even if he does miss me. And I want him to be in our son’s life as he says he does to, but he makes it so hard to be platonic. We say we just can’t resist each other. What do I do? Thanks in advance for your attention.

~CillaJane

ANSWERS

Ok, I'm going to be very blunt with you and I mean no harm but... he is a BUM. I know you say that you love him but it is what it is. He has five children, he's living off one woman, keeping you on standby, and who knows who else he is screwing around with. Throughout a majority of your post he has been JOBLESS which is bullshit considering how many children he has. He's irresponsible and manipulative and he seems lazy. You were 22 when you started dating him so that means he was 29 and I assume this has been going on for quite a bit of time so that means he is in his 30's now. Ridiculous. He is a consistent cheater and you already know that isn't going to change. He needs to focus on making enough money to support himself and his kids. Thats it.. what he's doing to his current girlfriend is shitty. He's living in her house and as soon as she leaves he has another woman over.. Look, I know you love him and are emotionally attached to him because you have a kid with him but he is no good for you and he probably never will be. You focus on taking care of your son, yourself, and one day find an emotionally stable relationship with a man that can hold a job, take care of himself, be with JUST you, and not play these stupid games. Please move on. Things are not going to get any better and you know that. Good luck!

I don't think you are in love with him at all. I think you are in love with what you think he could be. I think you are in love with what you fantasize you would like for him to be...an amazing father taking care of you and your son and raising his children.

The truth is, he is not any of those things. This is something you should ask yourself...if he's not working and living with his girlfriend because he doesn't have a place to go, how do you fit in that picture? He not working, so how can he take care of you or your son? He's staying with another woman, while already having a child with you and as icing on the cake, sleeping with you, but going home to his girlfriend.

The intimacy is not helping the situation. Sex is clouding your judgement. I want you to consider this question, if a female friend of yours was telling you this story, what would you tell her to do? I'm going to take a shot and say that you would think she needs to move on. You will want to take your own advice in this instance. Cut your ties with him. He has to see and hopefully help to raise his son, but that needs to be as far as it goes. Don't go in his house (or g/f's or whatever) and he doesn't need to go in yours.

One other thing I want to clarify. He's not missing you. If he was missing you, he would be preparing his life to marry you. That means having a stable job, preparing a place for you to live, and buying you a ring and proposing. "Being with" and "Being married" are such different things, but we often allow them to sound synonymous in our heads, but they are not. In your case, "being with" means he wants to be with you to sleep with you and possibly allow you to take care of him. In your case, "Being with" is not a precursor to being married. "Being with" is just a vehicle to experience more pain in this case. You don't deserve the pain, you and your son deserve all of the blessings God has in store for you. I wish you nothing but the best.

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